SCREAM

It was a fucking disaster

All my hard work all day. I was looking forward to weighing less tomorrow. I was so proud. All for fucking nothing. Party was practically empty. Just a few of us and a pile of junk food. And I held out for so long and I got fucking pushed into it and once I started I couldn't stop. I couldn't hide. I couldn't say no. And I couldn't purge. And I couldn't go home because I got a lift with a friend and had to wait for them to leave.

Fuck fuck fuck I'm so fucking angry and frustrated and I feel like such a mess. I tried so hard. I want to cry but I can't.

Once I got home I went straight to the shower and tried to vomit up as much as I could. But I wish I hadn't bothered. It was too late. A whole long evening of protracted ingestion of lollies and chocolate and cake. On a previously empty stomach. Way way too late. So all I got up was a lot of stomach acid and the odd sickening reminder of the night that was. But I kept trying and trying so desperately in the vain hope that I might somehow save myself. Now my throat and my head and my heart are burning.

It's so so so horrible. Now I'm lying in bed and I feel desperate and hopeless. I don't know what to do tomorrow. Everything was going so well and now I feel like I'm a million miles away from anywhere I want to be. Like I'll never find the motivation again after such an immense failure.

My head is screaming and screaming.

Just finished off my smoothie

and it was the most fabulously delicious thing ever!

So now I've had my 200 calories of cool, frothy, pale pink refreshment and I'm done. So long as the party tonight doesn't bring me UNdone. I think I'm feeling so great and positive at the moment that I really don't want to spoil it with icky party food and booze. Yuck!

Get this... this morning I RAN! I haven't exercised in any capacity for over a month. I thought I would just go for a long walk, around this 10.5 km track around the river. But as I set out I thought "hey, maybe I'll just jog a little way, I can do that" and I didn't stop jogging til I got to the end. It was just so lovely and satisfying to know I was doing something positive, and it was such a gorgeous sunny day, the river was glistening. Ahh.

So it has been a great day. Still, all the big challenges are yet to come. Wish me luck!

So it was a bad day after all

...but at least now I feel thoroughly SICKENED by the thought of food.

I think tomorrow I will make 200cal worth of fruit smoothie in the morning that I will drink throughout the day. Then I have to go to a party (blech) where I will try and pep myself up on a zillion caffeine pills instead of alcohol, and avoid all food temptations.

Could be tough.
But there will be NO purging.
Aside from the fact that it is completely horrid and bad for me, I'm becoming complacent and arousing suspicion. This is NOT good. Even if I lose it and eat/drink at the party, if I stick to just 200 cal during the day it shouldn't be too terrible overall.

OK, feels good to have a plan. Usually if my regime is set in words then it is set in stone.

Come on tomorrow! I have faith in you! You will be a lovely and productive day, full of nice surprises, freshness, clarity, brightness and emptiness.

Til then, adieu
It's time for bed


xx

Feline

Wake up. Stretch. Tummy rumbling. Sore head. Not totally miserable but hardly skipping the light fandango. Can't tell if today feels like a good day or a bad day.

My cat is tucked under my arm purring away. Every morning when I wake up and grab my laptop he snuggles into bed with me for cuddles and blog reading. It's our morning routine. He's quite sweet. But with every passing day I run the increasing risk of retreating further from humanity and becoming a crazy cat lady.

I suppose if I could be a beautiful crazy cat lady it might be OK.

I'm a little bereft of inspiration today. I don't have a plan or an idea of what or how much to eat. Should I stick to just fruit and veg? Or fast to make up for yesterday? Or perhaps try again for a normal eating day to make sure yesterday doesn't repeat itself? But then, that's how yesterday started out so I hardly think it's a recipe for success. Perhaps I should have a day of cat kibbles. Seems to keep my fluff baby svelte.

A new favourite thing I've found to do is cut a small apple into very thin slices, and sprinkle them with lemon juice and cinnamon. I know it's hardly groundbreaking, but it amazes me how delicious it is and how long it takes to eat. You can really stretch 50 calories into quite a long and satisfying meal. I'm thinking of giving a pear the same treatment. I should get up and do that for breakfast... maybe... really I feel like eating 5 packets of chocolate biscuits. No matter how satisfying you can try and make one small apple, it will never be that satisfying.

Damn. I should get up and go running. Or something. Anything.

Motivation?
Inspiration?
Where are you???

Meow

Today not so good

My sister is making dinner right now, I reckon I'll probably eat it. I'm hungry. I reckon I'll probably purge it. Seems to be the theme for the day.

'nuff said really

Downward Spiral

My lovely Finn Femme Maria has reached my goal weight. She is such a magnificent creature and truly inspiring. While I have eased off the intensity, I cannot forget how precious it is to keep pushing myself down this delicate spiral. I can get there. Just 4 more kilos til I reach the ground.


I ate reasonably normally today. Healthy normal, maybe 800 cal tops, good food, lots of veg. No binging. No purging. The first time in a long time. And I do feel a bit icky and fat, but I'm still pleased. It IS possible for me to do it. I could maintain here. Eventually. Once I've spirited away these last 4 kilos of fat.

It's amazing how it is when you are feeling your most foul that you seem to get the most positive attention. I had to see my GP today, and walked because it's only a half hour away (go me!). Anywho it was cold and I was feeling fat and miserable so I wore an ugly baggy jumper and my hair was a mess. I got terrible blisters because I stupidly decided to wear new shoes so I ended up taking them off and walking barefoot, shoes and stockings in hand. Not glamorous. Not pretty. Never-the-less it seemed every passing car sent me a honk or a jeer or a wolf whistle. Were they taking the piss? And when I got to the GP she told me I definitely looked like I had dropped lots of weight since she'd last seen me.

Weird. On the off chance that I ever feel sexy, no one pays the slightest heed.

And as much as people tell us that thin is not worth it, that it is not as glamorous and beautiful as we think, that we are too skinny - when you lose weight people will suddely wolf whistle at you even when you look like a barefooted hobo.

Ha

Turning my back...

...on the ABC


I'm so sorry girls, I feel like I've failed you. Everybody has been so supportive and wonderful, But I'm not the inspiration you thought I was. Sad.

Still, I am NOT giving up. I'm too close to my goal to pack it in. It is just that I am teetering on the brink of real bulimia and I'm too weak not to fall over. I will still restrict. I will still blog. I'm going to vary my calories between 200 and 800 with intermittent fasting days. I won't lose as fast, but I WILL still lose. And hopefully it is something i can stick to. I will pick my days. When I feel strong I will eat less. When I feel weak I will still keep control. No mindless binging. No purging.

On my way to maintenance. On my way to a skinnier, happier life.

All my love
Pasco
xx

53.3

Well, my weekend didn't hurt me all that badly! Phew!

PLUS (TMI warning) last night I took a few laxies and heaps of fibre supplement stuff and crammed myself full of dried fruit... and none of it has kicked in yet and I'm quite bloated. So once I've "offloaded" that I should weigh quite a lot less :)

Just had a small apple (50 cal) for breakfast and have a busy uni day ahead, so well on my way to a good 150 cal day. Wish me luck!

xx

Let's Get Lovely!

My hiatus went a day longer then anticipated.
And it didn't do much for mental health, just protracted my self-indulgent self-loathing. I thought eating normally would help, but I can't do that, remember?

So I ate and I puked and I sat and I stared and I ate and puked some more. My sister is onto me too, so then I ate and puked and stared and denied and denied and puked and denied and stared and hid away and felt helpless. It's no way to live.

So stuff it!
Stuff em!

I'm back in the game and tomorrow morning will be abc day 11, 150 cal, as though the last 3 days never happened. It's time to get lovely. I don't want to be this gross, flabby, over-emotional-slash-emotionless out-of-control mess anymore. It's time to get my pretty on!




Now I've also been thinking that I'm not actually enormously far off my maintenance weight. The problem is that I can't do maintenance, because I can't do normality. I don't want to yoyo between weight gain and binging and purging and restricting and shrinking and growing for the rest of my life. I need to LEARN to eat semi-normally. So I think I might need to throw in a couple of "practice maintenance" days into my abc here in there. Any thoughts?

Tomorrow morning I will weigh my self and assess the damage I've done.

Somebody to love

It seems everybody has a "new boy" at the moment, or a new boy who has progressed into just a "boy". I've been on my own now for about 5 weeks. Not a long time. But I think I've FELT on my own for at least a year. And so, so lonely.

Sometimes I think I'd quite like to have a new boy too. But I'm completely withdrawn. The thought of having to venture forth into the world and meet people is so... horrible. Daunting and confronting and exhausting.

I just want the feeling of lying with someone who loves me