Wednesday, August 18, 2010

whirl. wind.

out of control
spinning all over the place
nothing to hold on to

4 different boys have been in my bed in under 2 weeks
last night I woke up somewhere in my house in the dark and terribly afraid, no idea how I got there, no idea how long I'd been there. still not idea where I even was because by the time the panic subsided I'd forged my way back to my room
thick, thick fog hangs everywhere

and the only time everything snaps back into clarity is when I see a huge pile of vomit at my feet and I know I am empty again

I think I will stop taking my antidepressants
there is something so horrifying about feeling your whole world crumbling around you and screaming in your head and crying for no reason... but not actually feeling sad
I think I want to feel sad again
at least it may be an incentive to get better


  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

  2. how strange am I? I read that you've had 4 boys in your bed in 2 weeks and I'm jealous...

    pretty sure I missed the entire point of your post because I'm too focused on sex, sorry

  3. *Hug*

    I'm sorry =( Just know that it has to get better

  4. that sounds like a good plan. feeling sad means that you will also feel happy again.

  5. Sometimes we need to feel sad to be true humans.
    I hope you don't feel sad for too terribly long though.

  6. I feel the same way. This half-numbness is killing me inside. Though I'm happy for you that you can still feel the ecstasy of sex, as I can't with these damn pills... Be careful though, I tried once and the withdrawal made me near-suicidal :T

  7. gosh, you must feel so lonely and broken :(*huggles*
    I also agree that taking no further antidepressants will be good for you. half numbness is horrible but even more when it is drug induced...I personally perfer deep sadness and sorrow...better these extreme feelings cause they also allow the hope,almost certainty that there will come happier days!