Tuesday, August 24, 2010

a week, maybe?


Perhaps one week of kindness is more achievable. Less daunting. Just a week.

And only one rule: Do not throw up.

Simple enough, except that of course that one simple rule is dependent on the fulfillment of 10 million other rules, such as:

Do not eat muffins
Do not eat toast
Do not eat lollies
Do not eat unplanned foods
Do not overeat at meal times
Do not have dessert
Do not eat at somebody else's house
Do not eat at your own house
Do not reach a feeling of fullness
Do not allow yourself to get bored

...all of which lead to an inevitable downward spiral into purging.


But I have to have to HAVE to do this

The cracks in the corners of my mouth never heal
My skin is horrible
My teeth hurt
And I'm FAT

I lose so much time to this beast. Between long shifts at work, all I do is binge and purge and not get enough sleep. It is easier than facing the prospect of finding and building my own life. It is a safe and secretive.

I hate it so much, but I'm increasingly realising how much I love it.
How much I need it

8 comments:

  1. your teeth? oh no, that's terrible, I hate tooth pain - but for me that was/is the only thing holding me back from purging. My teeth are practically see through, I'm not even sure there is enamel left and I haven't seen a dentist since the last one called me out on bulimia.

    I love the beast, I loved everything about a good binge/purge episode, it's only after when the guilt & regret sink it that it sucks. Is it weird I miss grocery shopping for a binge? Sometimes I find myself filling my cart with old binge staples and I have to stop and put them back. I completely understand why you don't really want to let go

    but we both know why you probably should.

    best of luck, my heart goes out to you

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  2. My tongue got scratched the other day during a purge, and now it's so swollen it's hurting my entire throat and moth and even ear.
    Give yourself time to heal.
    You need it occasionally.

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  3. I'm trying to stop too. The possibility of my oesophagus rupturing or dying from heart failure or anything else scares me terribly... but I still can't stop. I've got a throat infection at the moment and here I am still doing it. I hope you can stop.x

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  4. you can do it. if you want it enough, you CAN do it.
    stay strong

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  5. Bullimia is a beast, i still struggle baddly, but please ask for help, not from bloggers, but from someone professional. I was in hospital for a while because of it - to weak, loss of hair, periods, etc.. is it hypocritical to say get well? but please, get well, look after yourself.

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  6. I used to purge, it was hard but I got to say goodbye to bullimia. At times it's hard not to go there again, especially after a binge. My new answer to binges is using lax. I know it's bad too.

    What I wanted to say, is that when you really want to. You can stop with purging. Take care!

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  7. my god my dear you just said it, all of it, everything, that's it. what can i even say? you are writing what's in my head, every bit of it, soul-mate-across-the-sea. why does this consume 90% of our time? why do we need it so? why do we have to have 10 million rules just to not purge and why can we never ever follow them? sometimes it's the only way to stop the shouting screaming din in my head. i hate that. i hate it. i hate it. i love you. i wish we weren't like this.

    these are things that have helped me temporarily. maybe they will help you, maybe not. but in case:

    i have been trying to practice saying NO and ENOUGH. i wrote a post on it recently. read it. maybe it will help. maybe not. it helps me from time to time when i have the strength.

    and also not berating myself too much when i do purge. because that only perpetuates things, doesn't it?

    also once when i was afraid for my health significantly i was able to stop for a week by saying, straight up, ABSOLUTELY NOT, IT'S NOT AN OPTION.

    and you know that pure physiological addictive factor about purging, that is not about emotions or boredom or the ED at all but is purely addictive? for me at least i have found that breaks after 2 or 3 days of no purging. then i just have to deal with the times i want to purge for emotional/boredom/etc. reasons. maybe there is a certain number of days for you when that addiction-thing breaks, and it will be easier after that. this is purely on what i've figured out about myself. i ain't no doctor, ha. that's your department. but maybe there's some truth to it. because there is surely some addictive go-to factor involved, regardless of everything else.

    I LOVE YOU
    I HAVE FAITH IN YOU
    YOU CAN DO THIS
    even if you "mess up" and throw up, DO NOT SAY "FUCK IT"!! do not say "fuck it"! say ENOUGH. and then NO. and move on to other things for a while. never say "fuck it". because that is our downfall.
    I LOVE YOU
    I HAVE COMPLETE FAITH IN YOU
    I AM HERE FOR YOU, WRITE ME EMAILS, WRITE ME COMMENTS, I WILL WRITE YOU GIANT LETTERS AND SEND YOU TELEPATHIC MESSAGES IF YOU NEED
    YOU CAN DO THIS, YOU HAVE DONE IT BEFORE.

    oh soul mate, let's get in charge of this, let's get on top of it, let's find that joy again we once had, ok?

    xx x

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  8. where have rules ever gotten any of us my dear pasco???

    anise is right, you can break the addictive bit which tells you you like it, and then you only have to deal with the particularly tricky situations, and lets be honest, lifestyle bulimia can have a pass for the minute.

    what can you change about your situation to give you the break you need from the purging?

    also, i was thinking to myself just today, "huh, i lost 30 pounds in 3 months and then spent the next 12 months putting 20 of them back on and moaning about it."
    and then i went and read the start of my blog, and then i started reading yours, and some others who were around when i started.

    you know you werent always this consumed right? you know there is another pasco in there right?

    im just starting to find another me now, and that was in no large part due to my own conviction, because i sucked at that. but the situational necessity gave me space to breathe again. and i want so badly for you to find that breathing space too. i want it for you and i dont know how to give it to you.

    and i dont want this to sound patronising, because im not better, im just doing better. i hope you're feeling the love with which i'm writing this. xxx

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