Sometimes,
as I flick through the images
on my new DSLR,
and I have to squint,
because I'm too drunk to see them with both eyes open...

...I think: How the fuck did you drive yourself 45 minutes home an hour ago?
And why?
And there's usually a "you fucking idiot" on the end.

Yet somehow I made it
Yet again
And here I am




Soon enough I will get my act together and read all of your blogs

Soon

Love
Pasco
Rose
x

I need help

I have a mental illness
I try to challenge these thoughts, and I can't

visionary

Feeling pretty stuck and hopeless. Inert. Heavy. Can't seem to find any motivation, or perhaps just no drive. The self loathing still motivates me to want to be thinner. I just don't have the fortitude to follow anything through. And yet I miss it, I MISS it. I want to survey the world with those eyes again. Bright, clear, hungry eyes.


It has been a fat week full of birthday excuses. I'm over 57kg again this morning. And now another Monday packed with "new start" hope but I know, I KNOW, right from the beginning at only 6.40am that I have no power. I won't pull it off. I'll stay fat and get fatter.

I miss my lovely hungry eyes and the yearning hungry eyes of others as they were cast over my probably-too-thin form. I feel hopeless. I feel blind.

V

The great V day rejection.
Almost lived up to the great preemption of V day rejection.


Not thin enough

Not
Nearly
Thin
Enough

Liquid fast until my birthday?
5 days?

I reckon so

well...

I tried to eat a little and I ate a little too much and threw up. But nothing too nightmarish and I think I needed the metabolism catch up. I will try to resume liquid fasting again tomorrow.

Love you all! xx

a welcome return to euphoria

It's strange, how it gets easier.

I haven't really eaten any solid food in 4 days. Maybe 300ish calories of juice each day, loads of beer last night. I did grab a handful of crisps while drunk but that's about it. It's funny how after a certain amount of time in a state of deprivation your body just clicks. Accepts it and stops fighting it. I'm not hungry today. That's a lie. I'm hungry, but not desperately, achingly, screamingly hungry anymore. I can take it or leave it. I know I should eat. Something little. Fruit and vegetables, keep my insides functioning and my metabolism ticking. But I know I can't. Once I'm not on a roll anymore I will be binging and purging again for sure. And if I start eating now and resume fasting tomorrow, I will be back to desperately, achingly, screamingly hungry again.

Tough call.

But right now, this very second, I'm feeling deliriously self satisfied and infinitely thinner.

x

finding a better place

I almost caved last night. But I told myself if I could just hold out, just get myself off to sleep, then I could eat in the morning. I struggled to find the strength, but I made it. This morning I am 54.6kg, I have surpassed goal weight one, and now I don't know if I have the strength to cope with seeing that number go back up once I start eating.

The world is a dark and crumbly place sometimes


RIP Alexander McQueen, hope you found somewhere better

Coming back down

Not feeling as great about this as I was last night. I'm so hungry and I can't find the love in it. And this evening a made a horrible hair dressing mistake and now I want to eat my misery.

Shit.

juicy

This morning after liquid fasting yesterday I weighed in at 55.3kg, just slightly above my first goal weight. And my tummy is f.l.a.t. for the first time in AGES. I feel wonderful, and absolutely raring to go for another juice fast day. Perhaps I can be below my first goal weight of 55kg tomorrow morning. It is my birthday in a week and a half. I am committed to striving for my goal weight 2 by then. 53kg for my birthday. I can do that!

hunger

Inspired by your blogs last night, I decided to liquid fast today. Enormous amounts of sugarfree energy beverages, diet coke and green tea, plus a bit of fruit&veg juice. Almost 7pm, I reckon I've probably had about 200 liquid calories, and I'm trying to end on that.

I am hungry.
I am trying to remember how it feels nice.

That hunger, that craving, that is the feeling of the fat slowly receding away from my ribs and collarbones. The rumbling in my stomach is the sound of cellulite smoothing, of air and light and space usurping flesh. The haziness is my head, just the suffocating shroud being lifted off me.

drowned

I've been swept up in the boy fog, to the detriment of pretty much every other facet of my life. Actually, even my romantic life seems to be suffering from the tumult of it all. And now I'm also perpetually late, disorganised and fat. Why oh why do I await his calls so intently? Drowning, drowning, drowning in boy fog, waiting to be dashed against the rocks.


Maybe that's the thrill of it. Knowing at any moment you're about to have your heart torn out and kind of loving how terrifying it is.

Although midst the mayhem there is a little stability. When I'm with him he distracts me from my war on food. When my heart is in my mouth there isn't much space for anything else. From time to time he suggests meals (he took me to his parents' house for dinner last week) but I am so eager to impress him that my modesty and moderation come without any effort at all.

I think my weight has stabilised at around 56kg. Sometimes a little more, sometimes a little less. I'm grateful that it isn't continuing to climb, but when I am alone it is still a frantic struggle every day. Trying not to eat, and overeating, and vomiting. And I don't think I'll ever be comfortable at this weight. I felt huge today, conscious of every part of my flabby body. The moist stickiness of my thighs squeezing past each other when I walked. I ate horribly at work, considered it a write off so binged and threw up when I got home this evening.

I have too much access and am allowing myself too many concessions. Unlimited biscuits and muffins, jam donuts, breakfast meetings brimming with pastries, free lunches... as soon as I allow myself to say yes to even a little bit the day is blown. I can't control myself. I need to stop touching it. I need to stop touching a lot of things. I need to remember how it feels good to feel hungry. I need to take off this icky 5 kilos of fat I have piled on since my low weight.

I suppose I am very needy indeed.
What I really need is to swim out of this damn fog!

HE DOESN'T LOVE ME

I am so SO sure of it
How could he?
I am nothing!

EDIT: So perhaps I am exaggerating. But it is hard to explain. The things he says in my presence. The way he talks about me around his friends. I feel as though I am made abundantly aware of how little I mean to him. "Oh, my dinner date canceled on me tonight", "oh, so-and-so looks as though she'd give a terrific blow job". I feel humiliated. He is demonstrating to me that I shouldn't get too attached and bragging to his friends indirectly about how I fawn over him even though he couldn't care less about me.

And yet, as I type, he just called me. Am I making this all up in my head???

and another and another

He didn't reject me and he didn't forget me. He called me and laughed with me and took me home with him again. And we slept together but we only SLEPT together. Then last night, again, the same. And here, ladies and gentleman, we have "the shift". He still likes me, but we have reverted back to friends. Or he still likes me, but it means more than sex now. Or he still likes me, but he is just not attracted to me (because he's gay or because I'm horrible or both).

But one way or another he still likes me. I'll take that.