CENTURION

I never dreamed I'd make it this far
Thank you all for your support
All 100 hundred of you

Who knows where to go from here?
It almost feels like an ending
First thing in the morning I catch a train to nowhere
I will be gone a month
I will be almost entirely alone
I may have internet
I may not
I could use this time to try and get better
I could not
...because I also know that a month of solitude is a long time to starve...


Goodbye my darlings. Maybe forever. Maybe not
We'll see what tomorrow brings
All my love
x

Him and Me

I love him
And a tiny glimpse of my not-tiny-enough body

You are all so wonderfully kind. Almost makes me wish I hadn't had such a miserable day of huge eating and horrible vomiting. I'm sorry Lu, I feel cruel, I feel like a cheat. I don't deserve success. A friend today was telling me I'm lucky. She always tells me I'm lucky, that I have a charmed life and nothing can go wrong for me. I don't feel lucky. It's not lucky to live such a tortuous torturous tormented life. She doesn't care to listen to my pain, so she doesn't know it. We make our own luck. I'm getting thin because I starve myself and silently puke any food that passes my lips and because I hate myself. Lucky me.

Very Good Morning!

Yes, my lovelies, a fantabulous good morning to all of you! Guess what?

50.8kg
That's... less than 112 lbs...!
New lowest weight of all time. And SMACK BANG completely out of the blue!

Wow... I don't think I've weighed so low since I was about 10 years old. Quite amazing really. I could seriously realistically get into the 40s. When I started this blog my goal weight of 49kg was really just an unattainable arbitrary figure representing what I thought would be really really reeeeally thin. I didn't think I had a chance in hell of getting there. So I guess that should mean I'm almost really really reeeally thin, right? Mmm, still don't see it.

Anyway I doubt it's here to stay. Yesterday was very purgey, and a did have a little drinky before bed (just one). I imagine I'm dehydrated. My head hurts as if I am. I'll still take it, but once I get my fluids up I may never see a number that low again. Today is going to be a big eating day, with too many people around to have any effective chance at purging. So I'll most likely be fatter tomorrow.

Right now though, who cares? I am so hungry and empty and I'm lighter and it's nice


*smiles*

51.9

Oh, my fuzzy little bundle!
You know me better than I know myself



x

mmm

temazepam coming along nicely
feeling incredibly wonderful now
might go fall asleep in front of the cricket
cheating foul pommy bastards
hope it's not raining over there...

errrrgh maybe I might not make it to the telly...

Empty, Alone

It's 8.30pm
I feel drained, exhausted
But the day flew by with barely a fleeting thought of food

Apparently I'm quite good at fasting. I'm simple minded. If it has been resolved that I will fast it's all too easy because it rids my day of choices. I am a mess when it comes to choices. Really, fasting is almost cheating. I'm messing up my metabolism and fueling my binge cycle and it will probably lead to ultimate weight gain in the end. But it's so much easier than calculating calories and deliberating over nutrients and flavours and guilt... Oh god how I suck at choices.

On Monday I just wanted to make it to Saturday. I almost have. I'm too tired to feel proud. I've done exactly what I set out to do. I have not thrown up once. A whole 5 days, a working week, of not throwing up. I ate too much yesterday, but not devastatingly so, and I made up for it by eating nothing today. This should spur me on to continue doing well. I've met my goals, I should now surpass them. Instead I have half a mind on this blog and the other half trying to plan out my celebration binge/purge tomorrow.

I'm only now starting to feel hungry. And not all that hungry. Not so hungry that it can't be taken care of with a couple of laxatives and sleeping pills. My stomach is coping, but I think my mind may not be. I've been a miserable wreck all day. Just drizzling tears. I even cried at a uni administrator. Earlier today I typed up a long emo post about how everyone hates me, only just managing to realise how completely pathetic it was and deleting it. I do feel fairly universally hated though. The more weight you lose the more you really need love and friendship, but the more people reject you because they see you as vain and dull and superficial. Or because you make them feel fat. Or because they think you're judging them as being fat, which you deny to yourself but of course deep down you secretly are.

Getting sadder and lonelier
People don't even answer the phone now when I call
They don't call back
They isolate me
And do nothing to save me from isolating myself


Look... this is turning into the emo post I tried to get rid of!
And I've missed my antidepressants the last few days because I ran out and I've been too fucking depressed to go to the pharmacy to pick up my new prescription!

...

My cat has sensed my angst and come to shout at me in his purr-voice and tell me that I'm not alone - I have him - and to stop taking him for granted and being a mopey cow. He's also telling me that when I step on the scales in the morning it's all going to be worth it. The last time I weighed was this time last week and I was 54kg. Tomorrow I'm going to weigh 52kg. He's sure of it, he says, very confident in fact. But he would love me at any size.

Thankyou sweetie, I do appreciate you. I feel much better now.
I just hope you're right

x

whitewash

So I didn't eat that cookie yesterday and I woke up this morning proud and starving. But I basically wrote it off by eating it just then instead. After 3 days in a row of 500 calories a day, I've had 800 today so far and all I want to do it eat a real, big, proper dinner.

Funnily enough I don't feel so terrible about it. So today will be a bit of a wash. That's OK. I can have a real dinner if I want... It's been a long time. I will keep it down. I won't binge. I will have a good day tomorrow, then weigh myself on Saturday morning for the first time in a week. With any luck I'll have knocked off that extra couple of kilos I put on recently.


What is this strange magic?
I FEEL OK! ACTUALLY OK!
Yay positivity!
x

I ATE

...not very much today

and now it's night time
and I have drunk loads
and I want to eat a cookie.





I WANT TO EAT A BIG FUCKING COOKIE





god fucking damn it I'm not going to
I can see 'em staring at me
from their container in the kitchen
and I drove home to the smell of cheeseburgers

I'm just drunk enough to pass out without really having enough energy or comprehensive capacity to obey these needs my body is commanding

and my cat is snoring away somewhere in the distance




I can barely read
Please my dears let me know if I've made any sense, and if not chastise me and I'll figure the whole thing out in the morning

x

Who Are We?

Who knows?


I often wonder, if I were somebody else, watching myself walking down the street, would I think I was lovely? Or would I think I was horrible?

I probably wouldn't even notice.

Monday Down

Tuesday,
Wednesday,
Thursday,
Friday
to go

I still haven't read a thing, or learned a word, or walked a step

But I didn't throw up today and I can't think of the last day for which I can say the same. I do it almost without even realising it these days.

And I stuck to 500 calories. For me, for now, this is breakthrough territory. If I can get a run going and stick it out for the week, maybe I'll be OK. For a little while. Until the wheel revolves again and I'm upside down once more resting my chin on the porcelain. I'll take what I can get, while I can get it.

Just gotta make it to...

Saturday

Boo Hoo

I'm so bloated
And my weight is up
54kg

SAD FACE


I have 150 calories of oatmeal cooking in the microwave for my breakfast. Maybe I should put it in the bin and just fast. Oh poooooooooo! (actually, I think maybe the absence of poo is part of my problem, and oatmeal might help me out with that)

Bloated bloated disgusting fat blah!!!

over
&
out

i ♥ tiny fruits

Why is large such a commodity?

I traipsed through my local markets yesterday to buy fruit and flowers. As usual, the huge big obnoxious apples and bananas are stupidly expensive and gleaming away in their pride of place display boxes. Then, below, the tiny reject fruit is flung in crates and sold off for tiny reject prices. I absolutely ADORE the tiny reject fruit! It always tastes better, fresher, crisper. It costs next to nothing. It looks delightful in my fruit bowl. And most importantly, you still get the satisfaction of picking up and eating the "whole" of something with a fraction of the calories. Wondrous! I got the teensiest weensiest cutest little bananas I have ever seen. By weight they are only about 30 calories each.

My desire to be small may developed into an affinity for all things small

a new kind of ABC

The state government has started up a new mental health campaign that's "as simple as ABC: Act, belong, commit". It dawned on me that I do none of these things. As corny as it sounds, I've decided that if I'm to drag my life out of the gutter I need to make a little groundwork in all 3. I can't continue to live this nothing life. I've had a little think about what I can do to start to act.

1) Read. I don't read books anymore. They frighten me. I can't start them because I can't embark on any sort of task that I cannot complete immediately to 100% satisfaction. And somehow I feel I will miss something in a book, or it will take too long, or something, and I just can't start. I can't even pick up a vogue anymore because I feel like I will fail at reading it properly. And now I see myself as such a dolt for having such poor literary knowledge, I feel there's no point trying to catch up. So my first action is to start to read books again.


2) Learn French. I want to go to Paris, one day, to live and love and all those things that people go to Paris for. Somewhere, in the back of my mind though, I know I never will. It will never happen. It is too hard for scared, pathetic little me to possibly cope with. And one of the biggest hurdles is the language barrier. So my next action is to start learning French. Then there will be one fewer excuses.


3) Walk. I don't have to run. It doesn't have to hurt. Just fresh air and the movement of my body. I need to start to move. To shake off this dust.

Belonging and committing sound a little harder. I belong here, but nowhere else. And I don't know how to contribute to society because I'm always so skeptical of those who purport to be altruistic. This may be something I will have to continue to work on. I'm determined to try. Any thoughts?

Black Moods

Towards the end of my trip I started to eat normally. Now I am home and normal has progressed into binging. Feeling kind of numb. All I want to do is sleep. I will read through all your blogs soon and get my blog up and running soon and things will all get on track again soon. Soon, but not now.

x

wheeeeeeeeee...

...finally got internet!

Eating has been crazy. Days of big eating, days of purging, days of no eating, a binge thrown in somewhere... pretty much every type of eating day imaginable has been crammed into my holiday. Overall though, I'm pleased to report that despite no real pattern, the overall trend is pretty calorofically low. Fabbo! Although I have absolutely no idea what I weigh, and probably won't find out until I get home next Monday... so so so weird... also kind of liberating... weight oblivion.

And I just bought my first real pair of proper designer jeans and they are the smallest available size, about an Au6 or a 24... such a fucking amazing feeling strutting my ass around this fabulous city in my tiny jeans. Hellz yeah!

Anyhoo I'm a million miles behind on everyone's blogs and will most likely remain so, but I miss you all my dearies!!

xx