I'm leeeeeaving, on a jet puh-lane

Tomorrow afternoon I'm rushing straight from uni to the airport. I'm going interstate for 10 days to stay with a friend and have a holiday. This is very exciting and spontaneous, which amazes me as I NEVER do anything at all exciting or spontaneous EVER. I, the eternal traveler on the path of least resistance to the realm of unfulfillment.

But not tomorrow!
Do you suppose this means I'm getting better?

The eating thing is scary though. Me and Lu, we got this pact, see? No binging, no purging. Particularly the no purging, cause I reckon when you get that down pat, the binging becomes more consequential so fucking harden up and stop it ay. So anywho, as I was saying, me and Lu, Lu and me, pact, right? Today I consumed the rather high but rather normal total of 800 very healthy calories (except the 200 calories of giant freddo which were possible unhealthy) which makes 2 good days out of a 5 day pact (see me and Lu, right, we got this pact, see? Well, you get it, mmm). I am super impressed with myself. Good healthy normal day, still low by good healthy normal standards for normal healthy good people. Halfway between maintaining and restricting I suppose. If I could do that every day for the rest of my life I'd be stupendously happy.

However all that was entirely dependent on an extremely contained, controllable, calm situation. Plain sailing with no interference. So essentially what I'm saying is as of tomorrow I'm up to my neck is exciting, spontaneous, tempestuous seas. I'm a bit fucked, if you will. Oh dear. Not to mention in a moment of idiocy a while back I told the friend I'm staying with I have "eating issues", so now I will most likely be monitored. Oh dear. I never mentioned anything about the purging but I'm sure she will have a low threshold of suspicion. Oh dear. Which would be great if it limits my purging, except that there will be nothing to limit my eating. And eating with no option to purge usually results in panic, which results in poorly covert purging, which results in a whole lot of OH DEAR.

So, the entire debacle will begin on the flight tomorrow evening. Which will be 5 hours or so of cookies and bread rolls and peanuts and all that fun stuff. It's like being carried away on a ship of fools to meet an island of insanity, except the island is a city and the ship is a plane and I am already insane.

Any of that make any sense?
Mmm, didn't think so

BON VOYAGE (to me)

x

New Plan:

Didn't work

Old plan:
Didn't work

Plan before that:
Didn't work

Eating normally:
Didn't work

I just want to cry my fucking eyes out but I can't even muster up a tear. Ever feel just so desolate and hopeless? Where you can't even quite feel the satisfaction of being sorry for yourself?

I want to just say "never again" and mean it. I just want to stop. STOP.

I still haven't done any work.

Sitting here drinking yet more gastrolyte and dreaming of sleep. Blood test tomorrow to see if my shoddy self-doctoring has managed to keep my electrolytes at all in check. Ulcers in my mouth and chapped lips that just won't heal. Stomach aching in that strange way of fullness meeting emptiness.

I haven't gained the weight back. Yet. But what does it matter? This is no way to live.

Lulu, honey, you know what this is like. I know you know. How the fuck do you get through it? We need to get through it. We can't do this to ourselves anymore. We are throwing our lives away like trash

Frozen

Most of you girls are enjoying your northern hemisphere summer at the moment, but do spare a thought for we poor dears down under. Heading into the depths of winter, and given I lack motivation and initiative at the best of times, being unable to inch away from the crappy little radiator heater in my freezing old house makes me practically completely inert. A cold corpulent corpse.

It sucks for food too. Cravings for hot things. Chocolate. Bread. And winter fruit is shit. No berries. No peaches. No sunshine and perspiration quenched with iced water and long refreshing gulps of diet coke. None of the little things that make it easier to eat the way we eat and do what we do.

So here I am, clutching at my radiator, yearning for summer...


x

Hey Savory!

This is my house:


OK, it's not really
But it will be!

Unless I can't afford it, then I'll just have to have a fabulous apartment instead:






... one day

I think England and America are both equally forever away from me. I live in the most isolated city in the most isolated country in the world...

But I'll fly you over when I buy my house!

Badest Binge

... of my life to this point.

Awful, couldn't stop. I am in a bad BAD place... wasn't I only just recently back in a good place? Maybe not. I can't even remember. But I feel as though I've been binging and purging on a daily basis for a long long time now. I wish I could snap out of it. Ah shit. Poo bum shit.

I come up with a new plan practically every day, but here's another one to invest all my hope in. The fruit and veg and icecream plan. I'll only eat raw fruit and veg. But keep a big stock of icecream. Then, if I end up binging, which I invariably will, I can only binge on icecream. Its about the easiest and least damaging thing to puke. I'm sick of throwing up the disgusting conglomerate of crap I ingest through desperate binges of cereal and cheese and nuts and god-fucking-knows-what-else. So, this plan has no hope of fixing me, but will hopefully get on track for a little harm minimisation. Probably a good idea.

Now I think I might knock myself out with a cocktail and a few temazepam.

Savory, get your ass here and march me to my spa session!

♥

What lovely lovely lovely girls you all are
LOVE
:)

Yesterday was quite uneventful. No, wait, for me it was actually very eventful because it wasn't NOTHING which is the usual eventual turn of events! Ate bugger all (yay - anorexic housemate was a big deterrent) then drank super lots, including BEER. Questionable judgement. Although I did shake my tail feather somewhat.

Now the following pains me to say because it is TREMENDOUSLY boastful but I could never tell anybody else in real life without them proceeding to hate me (like they don't already), and I have to tell SOMEBODY because it made me so happy! I was shaking said tail feather, and a boy tapped me on the shoulder, said "thought you should know you are the prettiest girl I have seen in a long time" and walked away! If he had tried to hit on me I'd have assumed it was bullshit, but I never saw him again. Perhaps he just picked up on how insecure I had been feeling all night and wanted to lift my spirits. Or perhaps he was going round to every girl in the place and saying it to them for a bit of a mind fuck. In any case I don't care, it was nice, and something to smile about when I woke up this morning.

Although now I have a headache and a bollocks-load of well overdue work to do... spirits gradually sinking... oh damn

response for anonymous

Oh you are so right. I'm not particularly thin, and certainly not thin enough to feel ill. However I did used to be fairly hugely fat (which I hate to admit to you my tiny friend) so even a little bony-ness sticks in my mind. Besides which I am a pretty damn bony person. I have this unfortunate situation where all my fat clings to my arms and legs but spares my body. It is very deceptive, because I still have quite a lot to lose but I have this hideous bony bird chest and jutty hip bones which concern my mother but are misrepresentative of my actual weight.

I do feel ill. Quite ill. I'm first and foremost completely depressed, and this eating business is just a recent secondary manifestation of that. Still, I think just about every single person on here is fairly miserable too. It's entirely self indulgent for me to moan about it when I really don't have it so bad. Bear with me x

completely off-fucking-balance!

fuck
fuck
FUCK

this is such a simple plan so why is it NOT WORKING???
it worked all day until I decided to just have ONE chocolate biscuit because there were only 2 left which meant I should just have the other and finish them off which meant FUCK THIS YOU NEED TO PURGE GO EAT ALL THE CHEAP ASS CHOCOLATE YOU CAN SCROUNGE OUT OF YOUR PARENTS KITCHEN AND THEN SPEW SPEW SPEW

So now another evening of antacids and gastrolyte and hoping like hell I haven't wrecked my teeth or my insides

I may have already mentioned this, but in case you missed it, f.u.c.k.

matter of balance

I approached the scales this morning with great trepidation, but at 51.7 kg I was pleasantly surprised. Things seem pretty static. I'm ecstatic. Well, not ecstatic, but if I can stick to this plan and not gain any weight I will at least be relieved and satisfied. Hooray stasis! Plateau please, I welcome you. Not up, not down, and NOT CRAZY, just neatly balanced.

And speaking of balance, I've recently noticed a new measure of thinness. When I lie on my stomach, propped on my elbows, I notice that my weight is distributed across my hip bones and my lower ribs. My belly is somewhat spared. It's nice to feel your body being supported through your bones, like a tripod with 4 points. Which I know makes absolutely no sense because I tripod has 3 points but I don't know what the 4-pointed equivalent is. A quadpod? Hmmm


In other news I haven't been going to uni and doing any of my homework and I'm speeding towards an incredibly huge amount of trouble. And pain. And failure. I've been treading water just trying to get through each day lately and hanging out in hospital with dying old people and cruel consultants is just more than I can bear. Today it is suddenly collapsing on me in big fat wave of panic. I have to deal with this, and food is not the way to handle it. But I'm feeling pretty stuck. I just need to fucking do it but even thinking about it makes me want to put my head in the oven.

From now on until I'm not insane:

Breakfast: 200 cal carbs/fruit/egg
Lunch: Raw veg + 200 cal raw nuts/eggs/low fat cheese
Dinner: 200 cal fresh fruit/diet jelly
Snacks: Carrot/celery sticks

600 a day
Straightforward
Doable

A little normalcy? Here's hoping