Power

Last night my skirt was short and shiny, my heels were high, my waist was thin and I felt awesome. Hungry and awesome and as I looked across the sea of bodies and faces I surged with power. I didn't eat and therefore I was better than them. I was electric.

Today was hot and delicious, but I was sent haywire by a chocolate doughnut I insisted on resisting. The fury of denying something I craved so intensely burned through me all day and I became irate and reckless. I ended up imbibing every form of compensation available to me - cheese, nuts, dried fruit, chocolate - then threw up this evening following dinner with my family.

The storm after the power surge. But where is the calm?

hmmm...

...maybe in Australia our doughnuts are just way smaller or lighter than anywhere else in the world. But averaging out all the brands I looked up, 300 was a reasonably high estimate... (not advocating doughnuts to anybody though)

Ate the jam doughnut
Looked it up - around 300 calories was right
Ate a small portion of the dinner my sister made when I got home
And some light ice cream.

But I stuck to my small portions, actually felt reasonably satisfied and did not allow thoughts of purging to even wash over my cerebrum afterward. For a tiny moment I glimpsed normal.

Finished up around 900 calories for the day
I'm pleased with that.

At War

Today has been hard. It is still being hard. I'm so tired. Bereft of any motivation. I can't stop thinking about food, and I can't be bothered doing anything so as to distract myself.

But I'm still battling on

It's 4.30pm. I had a boiled egg for breakfast, a piece of ham and some strawberries for lunch and lots of raw veg throughout the day. Trying to kid my stomach into believing it is being properly fed. Around 200 calories in total. I don't count raw veg calories. I'm of the firm belief that it is impossible to eat enough raw veg for the calories to make much of a dent. And I need the nutrients. Of course scary vegetables like potatoes don't count as vegetables at all. No siree, even I can't pretend those calories don't exist.

Still all thoughts on food. In half an hour I'm going shopping with my housemate. This will create a distraction. Unfortunately we are going to Ikea, and she has a "thing" for dodgy fatty Ikea food. I am going to be pushed into a jam doughnut I can feel it. Last time we went to Ikea I resisted and resisted and played the "already ate" card then stood around awkwardly while she ate. I won't get away with it again. If I call a jam doughnut dinner, hopefully it won't be much more than 300 calories and I can call it a day at 500. Then again, I'm sure it will probably be more than 300. May as well be a million. It is not part of my plan.

I could give myself the day off today, enjoy a junky Ikea dinner and be good tomorrow. But it doesn't work like that. You can't "enjoy" anything when you feel that hateful angry guilty twinge in the back of your brain. And once I've let my guard down I'll only go mad and eat continuously until I puke.

When you lose the battle
You may as well give up the war

Day 3 = Damn!

I'm going to call it partial fail.
200 calories
then gallery opening this evening
involving 3 glasses of red
then dinner
including another 2 glasses of red
plus dessert.

purged
IDIOT

but cut short the urge to binge "since I'd blown it anyway" when I got home...

so make of it what you will. I just need to make sure this doesn't turn into a whole lot of "why bother?" since I've already fucked up. Gotta ignore the set back and stick to the program.

Still tipsy and got a kitty begging for lights out and snuggly time.


Goodnight you incredible undiscovered wonders
x

2

1 boiled egg for breakfast
Broccoli and cauliflower for lunch
A nectarine
A kiwifruit
Salad and tuna for dinner
Diet jelly

Around 400 calories

Now an early night to make sure today ends without the threat of cake!


2 days
Fingers crossed for 3

Purge Free Days: 1

1 boiled egg for breakfast
Half a punnet of strawberries and cherry tomatoes for lunch
A carrot
An apple
Small chicken salad for dinner

Around 400 calories

...then...

Turned down the wine
Passed on the doritos
No thank you to curry

Couldn't get out of the chocolate cake

Perhaps another 400

DID NOT THROW UP
wanted to
didn't

Once upon a time...

...I could do this.

I could stop eating and weight would fall off me and I would feel airy and breathless all at once. My chest would flutter and my head would be light and I would float through my days, calm in the knowledge that I was getting thinner and prettier and the world was getting better.

I know the science and I know the statistics and I know that food deprivation tends to lead to binging and distress and loss of control. An inability to ever properly feel either hunger or fullness. I know that most anorexics generally become bulimics. But I thought, no, I have a mind, a consciousness, control. I know what I want. I won't cave in. I am not powerless.

so how did this happen? How can I be so irrational? How can this hateful beast inside me keep feeding me and then forcing it back out of me? This battle is awful. It's horrible. I hate it. I don't want to eat. So why do I? How can such tiny hidden hormone imbalances and neurotransmitters and blood sugar levels conspire so strongly to beat even my own conscious mind???

I don't know what to do! I want to stop eating again. I want to go back on a 500 calorie a day calories restriction again. Once upon a time 500 calories a day seemed enormous! But this thing inside me won't let me. I am throwing up ALL the time. I am bulimic. Actually really and truly all-DSM-criteria-met diagnostic fucking bulimic!

This isn't what I want but it is so SO hard to go back from this place to that place. I feel fat, vile and loathsome. I've been sitting around 55kg but I feel it creeping, nudging it's way upwards. I want to maintain. But I want to get back down to 50 first. And the more I push the more I am defeated. The harder I try the further I get from where I want to be. That is how this works. I know that.

You can't cure this.
This is hell.




Most of us end up here, at least for a while. I know you are feeling me. But fuck. Fuck it's hard. Sometimes you get out for a brief moment. Feel a glimmer of hope. But then you slide right back down.

This is hell.

OUT OF CONTROL

messy messy messy MESS
i cannot stop. i talk to myself out loud. i SCREAM at myself. plead with myself. PLEASE fucking PLEASE but no. no NO NO because still hand to mouth hand to mouth hand to mouth all fucking day.

hand to mouth
hand to mouth
hand to mouth
finger to throat
nothing
nothing nothing nothing
finger to throat
harder
faster
FUCKING THRUSTING
nothing
HARDER
NO FUCKING LETTING OFF NO MATTER HOW MUCH IT HURTS

hand to fucking mouth FUCK YOU

it really is like there is this part of me that hates myself so much. hears my pleas. please please just stop. and it looks at me sideways, crooked grin, winks at me, then grabs fistfuls of hate and rams them into my mouth.

hand to mouth
chew
swallow
throw up

and i'm still happy. kind of. in a miserable whirlwindy kind of way. i'm seeking people. i've lost satisfaction in isolation. the solace of sadness is gone. i want life but life kicks the fucking shit out of me.

i'm happy but i'm hurting more than ever.
fuck it. i'm not happy. this isn't happiness.

i don't know where i am
but i know i don't like it

all over the place

I think if you carried me up 18 flights of stairs, positioned me on the edge of a balcony and gave me a gentle nudge, my brain all over the pavement would probably still be more together than how it seems now.

I am all over the place but I still feel happy.

Everything is messy and disorganised. I'm still wallowing in my own filth. Still sleeping in an unmade bed I share with cats. I have one on my chest right now. I have been drinking much too much. Eating is bad. Disorder reigns. But I still feel happy.

On the weekend I got drunk and brought a boy home. He head butted me in the face and walked out on me because I wouldn't sleep with him. And possibly because he cottoned onto my insanity. It was more complicated than that, perhaps, and the headbutting was an accident. Still, now I'm all alone, rejected, abandoned, with a BLACK EYE and still... happy.

Ohhhhh but woe is me, why can't I have both? Why are happiness and skinniness mutually exclusive? I'm trying to think of a new plan. Something maintenancey... I'm not really at a weight I WANT to maintain at the moment, but I'm too rational in the head to talk myself into starvation.

Pasco x