NOTICE ME

So in the last 2-3 months I've lost at least 10kg (22 lbs), a lot of which has been in the last few weeks.

As I don't see my friends or family that often, every time I do see them they comment on my weight, which feels good, but is very tricky because you have to put on the whole nonchalant "not really trying/thinking about it, just busy" act.

But my boyfriend, who I see regularly, says nothing.
I reject food around him constantly. Nothing.
He eats pizza for dinner, I'll have celery. Nothing.
I'll go to the gym for 2 hours. Nothing
In bed his hand glides over my protruding hip bones. Nothing.

Nothing. Nothing. Nothing.

I think perhaps he approves. He's too stupid to see the extent of what I'm doing. Sometimes I hate him so much.

All you other girls have problems with loved ones being overly concerned or pressuring you to eat. I feel I have the opposite problem. I'm STARVING MYSELF and all I get is unstated approval or am just not noticed at all.

Fuck

Bleh

Today's been oooookayyyyy ...

Around 650cal which I figured I needed because yesterday was low for me
But it's not sitting with me well
I feel bloated and yuck
And not particularly proud
I should have worked out
But I was too lazy :(

Damn damn damn

HOWEVER! My shipment from the online pharmacy finally arrived and pulling all my things out of the box - it felt like Christmas!!! Brimming with brand new and exciting supplements and pills... Perhaps it's my medical career path but I love the idea of using substances (natural or otherwise) to tweak and optimise our bodies' function. Or perhaps just manipulate that function to suit our personal private and somewhat sick desires.

So tomorrow has gotta be a better day... right?

Banana Tryp

I had the superest best workout at the gym last night. Totally flogged myself and must have burnt off at least twice what I ate for the day. It was one of those sessions where I could just keep going on going.

But hit the wall today. So blah. Sleepy and headachey.

But kept my intake quite low:

Small diet dairy thing 80
2 almonds 14
I small pear 50
I small apple 50
Couple of celery and carrot sticks 0

Total 194

I never count the calories in raw veg... I figure the benefits far outweigh the calories so they don't count... or maybe I'm just a big fat cheat ;)

Plus I plan on having a banana for dinner which will be about 100 making just under 300 all up

I was reading that the tryptophan in bananas converts to serotonin and helps with mood and sleep. Sounds pretty good to me right about now!

oooooooh dear...

Ate soooo much yesterday...

Romantic Parisian Picnic
It was fantastic and terrible:

1/2 bottle French champagne 265
3 small lamb cutlets 200
1/4 baguette 250
1/4 small cheese 150
1/2 cup berries 40
3 petit fours 400
1 big square chocolate 70

Total 1375

And I kept it allllll down...

Oh! Plus the banana I had for breakfast ...1475

Whoops
Honestly, it was totally worth it :)
But now I'm hitting the restriction bandwagon hard again!

First stop - GYM AND NO DINNER

purging (is it really so bad?)

So I went out to dinner tonight.

And I ate quite a lot. But I didn't eat more than I intended to. And I had a great day yesterday and I worked out and ate very little today in preparation. And I told myself that this could be a higher calorie day to keep my metabolism up. And I gave myself permission to eat. And once I'd eaten I felt fine.

Then as soon as I stepped in my front door I thought, "why have this inside me when I could so easily get rid of it?" so I purged, quickly and painlessly, and now it's gone.

And I don't feel guilty, or like I lost control. When I'm alone I rarely ever binge. I only eat too much when I'm with other people and I can't get out of it. So purging is a way of restoring control that other people have taken from me, not that I have forfeited myself.

So is it really so bad?

And really, really, best tip ever for purging - eat lots of raw veg or leafy greens like spinach before you go out. Not only does it fill you up for minimal cals so you're likely to eat less, but if you purge you know when you've got up all the bad stuff. When you see green you know it's time to stop, and you don't have to get to that nasty dehydrating stomach acid stage. I know this is a bit obvious but it worked a treat for me tonight (even though I never actually intended to do it)

Rise and Shine

Woke up to a beautiful, bright saturday morning, sun streaming through the window...

...and 58.4 on the scales!

Smashed 59! By over half a kg which is more than a pound.

The world seems so sparkly and special today. I feel relaxed and motivated, and both of these are rare for me. I think perhaps my antidepressants have finally kicked in, and I'm finally getting a little control over my life. And my weight seems to be sliding down down down. I'll get there. Everything feels so easy and light this morning.

Sleeping Light

I've been brilliant today!

-350 cal in
-500 cal out

(and a somewhat overdue BM)

I have a good feeling about the scales tomorrow. Does optimism burn calories?

I'm going out for dinner tomorrow night and I have a feeling it could be a big one, so I need a good number to motivate me to stay in control.

Fingers crossed!!!!
(and good luck to everyone else)

59.1

Ugh!

So close
But so crap

The metric system is very discouraging because it takes longer to go down whole numbers.

Ah well maybe tomorrow.

Does anyone ever really get there?

I mean, does anyone hit their magic number, look in the mirror and go "wow! I look great! Time to maintain"?

I was at the gym this evening and on the way there I was thinking I was doing so well and looking pretty good. But as soon as I got there and was surrounded by skinny girls and abundant mirrors it was plainly obvious that I was NOWHERE NEAR where I want to be. Just fat disgusting arms reflected back at me every which way I looked.

Ugh, if I'm not below 59 in the morning I think I'll crawl down the drain and die.

Frightened

I'm starting to get really worried that I'm going to permanently mess up my metabolism and that I'm committing myself to a lifetime of extreme restriction or weight gain.

I read others' blogs who are eating way less than me and aren't losing. I'm really scared to weigh, but I will step on the scales tomorrow morning and hopefully be below 59kg (130lbs). I can't wait to be 55. God I never ever ever want to be fat again.

I just really hope my metabolism holds out... I'm going to push myself at the gym tonight, lots of weights. Does anybody know any other ways to stop your body fighting against you?

Shit, I'm hungry.