I'm not sure I'm cut out for this any longer

I'm really no good at it. And yet I'm too terrified of normal meals and normal eating to break free of it. Guess I'll just bumble along in the same sloppy fashion indefinitely. If only I felt a little more inspired. I need a goal, something to really strive for, instead of this ambiguous dissatisfaction.


I miss my old blog life, too. For a while I was following so many bloggers that it took me hours to read everybody's posts. So I stopped adding new ones. Now all my dear old friends seem to have slipped away and my reading list is rarely updated. It's sad! I'm a little lonely. My anonymous hate comments will soon outnumber the rest! They're fun, but in moderation.

Anise? Savory? Lulu? Can you recommend me anyone good to follow?

Maybe I should just let my blog wither and die like the others.
Let's face it, it's getting pretty stale.

Today was good

Worked: 15 hours
Walked: most of those
Saved: maybe 3 people
Killed: none (yet)
Ate: 1200 kcal
Vomited: nil

Amnestic

Life is getting hazy


Too much vomiting, daily, at least, and electrolytes all over the place. Long hours of work, seemingly coping but all that rallying my resources to get through the day and there is nothing left when I get home. Then I blank out the blur even more with drink and diazepam.

All I need is a simple and fail safe plan to get me through this next week. I am so tired I cannot think of a thing.

Maybe in the morning I'll step on the scales and try to claw myself back to reality.

anonymous

You
rock
my
socks
off

I fucking love you, dude! Keep up the hilarious commentary. I mean, damn, I'm a chubby U-duckling? Ouch! 'Scuse me while I slash my wrists...

BWA HA HA HA HAAAA

Do you provide this service to other bloggers or am I special? If you are giving anybody else similar attention then please, do let me know who. I just can't get enough! In future onslaughts, appropriate syntax and grammar would be appreciated. I'll allow for creative license, of course. I wouldn't want to restrict your unbounded creativity!

x

dust yourself off, Pasco

Dust yourself off and start again.
Start again again.


Start again, again and again
Just keep going
Keep trying

You are OK
You will be OK
There is hope left
You needn't be so frightened

crap and fat

nothing
works
anymore

WORKING IT

Work is crazy

As a student doing prac I would stare at the clock all day, willing the time to pass so I could go home. Now I stare at the clock all day, willing it to slow down so I can get all my work done in time to make it home at a reasonable hour. I'm so busy I can't get bored.

And so busy that today I did not have time to eat. I could have made the time if I needed it. But I did not have time to think about it and it was so easy to just keep starving away. I ate my apple but the salad I bought on the way to work to have for lunch remains at work for my lunch tomorrow.

I must have walked 50 flights of stairs too. Thousands of steps. Constantly flipping between wards and racing to meetings and responding to pages. Rarely standing still, rarer still to be sitting down.

When I got home I had a mountain of cooked veges and salad, with fruit for dessert. It was all still too much and I still purged a little bit, which was stupid. I could have stopped eating much sooner, but I thought "I'm allowed this so I will eat it all" then became uncomfortably full. Uncomfortable physically, and psychologically. That feeling is frightening, even when you know there aren't all that many calories in you.

All in all, a good day for me.

Work is exhausting. It is frustrating. It is incredibly stressful. Tomorrow I'm at work from 7am til 11pm.


But work will make me rich and it will make me thin.

Half a Glass

Not full
Not empty
Just half a glass.

My plan is working... kind of. I'm not buying extra food but bits and pieces are creeping toward me from outside sources. I have been purging a little bit. I am trying to stay positive... I'm overeating a little at the ends of my meals, but no real binges. And my purges are relatively gentle and still getting up all of the excess (and probably half of what I should be keeping down).

The fact that I'm struggling with my plan is not good
But the fact I'm not binging is not terrible

Just sort of a half glass of who knows what

57.2kg

125.8lbs

Let's none of us ever weigh more than what we do right now

"the inside voices on the outside"

they are all around
who knows what is theirs and what is ours?


and now, in bed, glimmer, hope. flatter, lighter, cravings abate. satisfaction descends. what of tomorrow? maybe, something good

glimmer glimmer glimmer