Saturday, May 29, 2010

Try as I might

I like anonymous comments.

It isn't because they are anonymous, but because more often than not they are challenging. Criticism or questioning that makes some effort to open up a new perspective.

Not that I don't love the rest of you all to bits. I guess it is just that, well, when you've been a blogger for a while you start to notice that we are all a bunch of yes-men. Any photo posted by anyone, ugly or beautiful, receives a rave review. And we jump like dogs to defend one another against perceived onslaught or offense.

So anonymous comments are welcomed on my blog and I'll never delete a single one. Generally refreshing and frequently correct.

Honestly though, this time I think I have been pinned wrongly.

Sitting on my bed, watching my mess revolve around me, I'm feeling so immersed in my own body and my own head. Looking out through my own eyes. So real. To you I am fictional, but this really really is my life. Sometimes when I'm not concentrating it does feel like fiction (really crap fiction). But now, right now, I am so normal. Just human. Just trying to live. Looking out through my own eyes, the same way you're looking out through yours. And my mind tumbles in similar ways.

And I try.
I do try.
I really really really try.

I didn't throw up today. Not because I didn't want to. But because every second, every moment, despite screaming in my head and near-delusional justification for why I should eat and spew, I tried desperately to hold it back. And it was really hard.

Tomorrow will be hard
And the next day will be hard

And I'm sure at some point I'll fuck up. And for a while I'll give up. And for a while I'll probably crumble like cake and I'll turn into a sticky stale pile of horrible fucking puke and it'll take me a while to try again.

But I WILL try again. And again and again.

What do you think I could possibly have to gain from this?
I can't understand how I disgust you.
You don't seem to know me at all!


  1. Hello my lovely Pasco,

    Are you in recovery or are you aiming low? You know I will support you everyday in everyway, but ms/mr anonymous made me think about my life - I am meant to be in recovery and instead I find myself wanting destruction and bones. No, I don't want recovery. Not a single part of it. Well, I want to be happy, but how can I be, how can we be, when we know how we feel and how hope feels empty in everyway.

    What I am trying to say, badly, is that what ms/r anonymous might not understand (or they might, if a former disordered, let us know!?) is that we want one think and get dragged the other way, what we think we want we cannot always reach and get it is slow and we run in the opposite direction after a few steps.

    While it is good to challange how we think, it is unhelpful to say that we digust you when we digust ourselves.

    So Pasco, know that we love you, like we always will, and know that we understand the challenges you face, but will support SUPPORT you with the choice that your mind makes... and if that choice changes every once in a while SO BE IT, That is how we workj - we will support you TIL THE VERY END.

    Love x

  2. Dear Pasco. Maybe I'm pinning this, taking out my anger on you becaue I am the exact same way. I too, give up, give in too easily. But you should know: i do try. Sometimes I fail but I always get back up and try again. I wish I could make you positive about life. I wish I could stop this shit with bulimia and depression... but I can't. Only you can do that. Pasco I regret some of the things I said. But you are so like me that I suppose I said to you what I wanted to say to myself... You do disgust me. You lead this messed up life. You're a waste.

    You are a wasted girl.

    And so am I.

    See you Pasco Rose. Miss ethereal.

  3. Insightful.

    Keep day it will get easier, u gotta really want it.


  4. Pasco, you are not a waste. I can prove that you are not. I love your blog because your writing is raw and provocative and sincere and emotive. When I have a day that makes me want to curl up and never wake up again, because of you I know that someone else exists who is going through some of the same struggles. You are inspiring to me and through it all you are still beautiful. No one who inspires as you do could ever be a 'waste'.


  5. I know this my seem unrelated, but I just wanted to say that I have given you a Beautiful Blogger award. I really love all your posts, and I'm sorry I dont have anything helpful to say. Much love, Sun-lit~ xxx

  6. We ARE all yes men...
    And I try not to say anything when I don't have anything nice to say, because I KNOW what everyone is experiencing, but sometimes I am so critical of people's food choices or photographs, that I no longer read their blogs...
    Hideous isn't it? I'm not proud.