Saturday, May 8, 2010

Waste


It's easy to make promises when you're drunk.

Tonight I was dancing and my hands wandered to my abdomen and rested there somewhere for a while. And I was overwhelmed with conviction. This is going, this will be starved away. There will nothing better than shrinking all of this mass away to nothing and it will be amazing. And it will be easy because of how amazing you know it will be. And the music and the lights pounded through my head and the conviction pounded through my heart.

And now I'm home and I'm still drunk and the promise is still there but it has become a little tepid. It's there, but it's painful and difficult again, instead of amazing.

I haven't blogged in so long. I'm busy, but even more so I'm ignoring the gnawing of the fatty guilty fatty-ness and every passing moment builds more fat and more regret and more of that uneasy sensation of feeling your control being swept away. And that promise seems so light and lovely but I know how hard hard HARD I've tried before and how horribly I've failed over and over and OVER again.

I'm not really sure where to go from here. Tomorrow is a new day. ANOTHER new day.

Stick with me. Please, PLEASE, I'm inattentive but I do do DO love you all. And I need you all so much. It breaks my heart to think of you out there so far away and so hopelessly desperately horribly lost because I KNOW HOW THAT FEELS

and now I'm just ranting.No more sentence structure just a blur of grasping desperation. I am wasted. I am a waste.



7 comments:

  1. Still with you Pasco.

    XO
    Flushed

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  2. no, you are not a waste.
    tomorrow is another new day like you said, but, it is going to be a good new day, it will, it will.

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  3. You stay strong, you can do it!
    Each day is like a new page in a notebook. Unless someone came and scribbled in it, each day starts with a blank page, it is up to you to color it. Some days may be black, others white, but hopefully when you look through the book you'll see more pages colored in beautiful colors. The colors represent you, beautiful! You can do it!

    We will be here for you!

    Love,
    Violet

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  4. We're here! Look there's 3 certain bloggers, that if they left, I wouldn't be here. So I will wait for you for a very long time because you're worth it!!

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  5. not a waste - you're lovely

    hope we both stick with our convictions

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  6. You are a wonderful person Pasco.
    Some of us go through so much, trying to find something that is there. We throw up and starve and make ourseleves hurt physically so we can actually know that the pain is tangible. So whatever is lurking there is identifiable as something else. So we can point to something and just say, there, that is what hurts.

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  7. You know that you are not alone, girl.
    Just stick to this,
    and take good care!

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