Monday, April 5, 2010

grief and loss

I'm poured in concrete. Every part of me is heavy. My chin is on my knee. I'd swear it's fastened there, I'd swear I can't move it, but I try anyway. What do you know, my neck tilts and my chin lifts off. Not fastened after all. Just heavy.

Last night I dreamed I was dying of cancer. "Why me?" a thousand times. I was so angry and so frightened. I was driving down a dark freeway and I ran my car into a concrete pylon to be finally free from the fear of death.

There is acid in my throat. My mouth is filled with glue. My eyes can't focus. They can, but I can't make them. I can't be bothered.

Everywhere there is stuff.

I am not young anymore. I wasted my youth. Even as it trails off I am still wasting it. I will only ever be older and older. There is grass and long slender limbs and experimentation. There is breaking the rules and slipping away and sly smiles, secrets. And I am outside it, and so far beyond it I will never be inside it. I am grown up.

I will get older and older and then I will die. I will never get any of it back, and I missed all of it. And I spend so much time pining for it I am blind to all the things I am currently missing. Those that I will later miss with as much yearning and loss and grief as for the things I now grieve.


  1. I feel evey word you have said dear Pasco.
    What have we done with our youth? wasted...

    But it's not over, far from it, we still have our 20's... elegance and beauty

    Life is what we make it, we must make it beautiful. The fields of flowers will bloom every year, without fail, every year of our lives they will always bloom... they're just waiting for us to be brave enough to free our long limbs and embrace them
    x x x

  2. I've noticed the same about myself, that I spent my youth attempting to be something, anything other than myself. Here I am peering on the brink of 30 and I don't care to stop. I realize what I'm doing, know what I'll miss out on while I obsess over calories & fat & clothes and the never ending need to appear normal and natural in this body.

    I was always told it's about finding balance, hating my body a little less, embracing life a little more, but what if my scale is off? and this is balanced for me?

    my heart goes out to you, keep working on finding a way to keep your head light and you'll see hope in the future I'm sure of it

  3. i know exactly what you mean. all my friends are graduating and i'm still waiting to start my life. i feel so passive right now. xo

  4. I feel like this all the time. I lost my childhood. There was no joy for me to look back on. My history is filled with pain. Where friends were flaunting relationships, playing in the park, going out, and being teenagers, I was in an abusive relationship and addicted to drugs. I never went to prom. I didn't graduate with everyone else. I had no friends I would call close.
    My younger years are memories of pain and chaos. I lost my childhood. I miss it. I hunger for it. I lost my home. I lost everything, and it was still so close. I still had parents, and a house, and everything was secure, but it wasn't there anymore, and it was so hard to ever explain to anyone that the "there but untouchable" was as hard as it really was.
    The only thing to do is to try and grasp today. To shove yourself into it. To stop existing outside of it. Granted, we've never been part of it, and it's hard, because we still don't fit.
    But maybe, just maybe, we can find something that will make us one day look back with a smile.

  5. I think that everyone missed their youth. As a result, I think that the ficticious depictions of youth, primarily heralded by John Hughes and Bret Easton-Ellis, are even more ficticious.

    It'll all be fine.

  6. Good to know you're still alive<3

  7. youth is only wasted lamenting wasted youth. you are what you make of yourself.

    how are things going in general? i hope well, would love to hear from you xx

  8. that is so so sad and maybe more so because I remember feeling like this, and remember how awful it is. I really hope that you find away to live and enjoy it. To smile and shine and be what you want with no pressures. Yes, we are only getting older, but there is so much more time, so much you can and will achieve. You are magical, you have so much to give. Please don't give up, you are worth so much more xx

  9. just checking in - hope this finds you well

  10. it's your anonymous person again. i can't believe the last time we spoke was july 09, it's crazy.
    anyway, hello, you've always been so lovely and i'm crying to see you so low (gosh am i not the most pathetic person, ever?)