Sunday, April 25, 2010

Here comes the fear

This can't be my life, can it? This isn't who I am. This isn't good.

I don't trust myself
I am running out of safe places
My mother's place is not safe, I binge there, without fail
My own place is no longer safe, I used to feel in control here, but no longer
Now I binge here, without fail.

I feel safe at work. My new department, my new routine, and so busy busy busy
I am happy at work because I feel safe there, and I don't fear myself.

I leave, and driving from place to place is safe
Where will I go? Developing plans, smiling
But there is no safe place to arrive at and suddenly I am frightened of myself again
And with good reason.

A self-fulfilling prophecy
Fueled by fear


  1. oh me too me too dearest, i wish i had words to console you but i am so full of fear myself, fear and panic and it worsens as the sun goes down, so the only safe time for me is when i am in the sunlight.

    all i can give you is love because the rest of me is vanishing but that, i will give to you, and gladly.

    we have to find that safe place to arrive at, maybe we have to make a safe place? i don't know.

    i love you, hang in there, the fear is only that: fear. just fear. nothing else.

    xxx x

  2. Our fears compel us to hibernate within our comfort zone, but we cannot hide away forever. Ultimately all of us need to learn to feel safe being by and with ourselves.

    It will take time and practice (i.e. tears) but you will get there. I have faith in you.

    I'm glad you're happy at work. (:


  3. I hate that, when a safe place becomes poisonous. It is like, hell, where do I go now? How long can I hide there before I find myself again?

    An unstoppable game of hide and seek.

    What would happen if we stopped hiding?

    You are stronger that you think. You feel porcelain, we see steel. You can hang in there, I know it, you will see strength in yourself again.

    I have no doubt in it.

  4. wow, I totally feel like you. I
    like your writings. It sounds so great!

    klick here - beautiful-lunacy