fuck this shit

Sorry for the obscenity
sometimes you just need it, y'know?

damn damn damnit
I can't explain it

I just...

fuck

Here comes the fear

This can't be my life, can it? This isn't who I am. This isn't good.

I don't trust myself
I am running out of safe places
My mother's place is not safe, I binge there, without fail
My own place is no longer safe, I used to feel in control here, but no longer
Now I binge here, without fail.

I feel safe at work. My new department, my new routine, and so busy busy busy
I am happy at work because I feel safe there, and I don't fear myself.

I leave, and driving from place to place is safe
Where will I go? Developing plans, smiling
But there is no safe place to arrive at and suddenly I am frightened of myself again
And with good reason.

A self-fulfilling prophecy
Fueled by fear

Ugly Day

I know that we all feel irrationally and disproportionately ugly most of the time, and I know that almost all people, even those with normal self esteem, have ugly days. Bearing that in mind I know this isn't a particularly profound revelation, but today I am feeling stupendously ugly.


I am mortified at my reflection.

And almost in a kind of angry-fucking-pissed-off way, rather than in a sad way. In a self-loathing way, rather than in a self-pitying way. In a get-yourself-together-Pasco-and-stop-being-so-fucking-gross way.

But I feel the heavy static pull of repugnance and I can't be bothered with the futility of fixing it. And soon it will be too late, I will have to drive myself to work looking like this, and I'll wind up hating myself for it.



I know, I know, it's just an ugly day. It will pass. And I have been doing very well lately - infrequent purging, moderate restricting, about two and a half kilos lost in two weeks. Just keep calm, ride out the ugly wave, it'll pass... it will pass.

This morning I am dizzy

I haven't been dizzy in so long. I like it. My body is finally feeling hungry. Something is working.


I am inspired today by my own fuzzy head.

My oh my,

how time flies!

I haven't blogged in almost 2 weeks, although it seems like yesterday. I really have nothing to say. I want to write something, I want to be uplifting or encouraging, but really I am just tired.

Goodnight
x

grief and loss

I'm poured in concrete. Every part of me is heavy. My chin is on my knee. I'd swear it's fastened there, I'd swear I can't move it, but I try anyway. What do you know, my neck tilts and my chin lifts off. Not fastened after all. Just heavy.

Last night I dreamed I was dying of cancer. "Why me?" a thousand times. I was so angry and so frightened. I was driving down a dark freeway and I ran my car into a concrete pylon to be finally free from the fear of death.

There is acid in my throat. My mouth is filled with glue. My eyes can't focus. They can, but I can't make them. I can't be bothered.

Everywhere there is stuff.

I am not young anymore. I wasted my youth. Even as it trails off I am still wasting it. I will only ever be older and older. There is grass and long slender limbs and experimentation. There is breaking the rules and slipping away and sly smiles, secrets. And I am outside it, and so far beyond it I will never be inside it. I am grown up.

I will get older and older and then I will die. I will never get any of it back, and I missed all of it. And I spend so much time pining for it I am blind to all the things I am currently missing. Those that I will later miss with as much yearning and loss and grief as for the things I now grieve.