Try as I might

I like anonymous comments.

It isn't because they are anonymous, but because more often than not they are challenging. Criticism or questioning that makes some effort to open up a new perspective.


Not that I don't love the rest of you all to bits. I guess it is just that, well, when you've been a blogger for a while you start to notice that we are all a bunch of yes-men. Any photo posted by anyone, ugly or beautiful, receives a rave review. And we jump like dogs to defend one another against perceived onslaught or offense.

So anonymous comments are welcomed on my blog and I'll never delete a single one. Generally refreshing and frequently correct.

Honestly though, this time I think I have been pinned wrongly.

Sitting on my bed, watching my mess revolve around me, I'm feeling so immersed in my own body and my own head. Looking out through my own eyes. So real. To you I am fictional, but this really really is my life. Sometimes when I'm not concentrating it does feel like fiction (really crap fiction). But now, right now, I am so normal. Just human. Just trying to live. Looking out through my own eyes, the same way you're looking out through yours. And my mind tumbles in similar ways.

And I try.
I do try.
I really really really try.

I didn't throw up today. Not because I didn't want to. But because every second, every moment, despite screaming in my head and near-delusional justification for why I should eat and spew, I tried desperately to hold it back. And it was really hard.

Tomorrow will be hard
And the next day will be hard

And I'm sure at some point I'll fuck up. And for a while I'll give up. And for a while I'll probably crumble like cake and I'll turn into a sticky stale pile of horrible fucking puke and it'll take me a while to try again.

But I WILL try again. And again and again.

What do you think I could possibly have to gain from this?
I can't understand how I disgust you.
You don't seem to know me at all!

Just stop fucking around with this disease!

There is no glory in this disease
There is shame and disgust and hate

I dreamed one night that I was sticking my fingers so far down my throat that I could reach my hand into my stomach and gently scoop all the hurt away

I scream tears down the phone and hope that somebody will save me

Every day I start again
And try SO HARD
To win my life back

I don't think that this is "cool"

This is sad

I am a bright, pretty, talented 24 year old doctor and I hate myself so much that I torture myself every night until my throat bleeds and I have haemorrhages in my eyes

This is so SO sad



And so we laugh about it.
OK?

that makes two of us

"you. make me

sick"

Are you kidding me?
I make myself sick all the fucking time!
Ah hahahaha haha ha


Could you possibly be MORE of a bore?

Fade to Grey

It is as I expected.


I still have the insight to appreciate having had nearly a full week of some kind of happiness. Even if it's over now. It was good enough to know there's purpose in trying to reclaim it.

One day.

All I can think about right now is how badly I want to starve myself stupid again. I'm having flashbacks of comments received at my thinnest

"Oh, you're even tinier than I realised"
"You really are very slim, aren't you"
"If I had your body I'd wear jeans all the time"
"I saw you walking down the street yesterday and I thought you were an angel"

and of course: "You're the prettiest girl I've seen in a long time"

What a thing to have thrown away!
Now I am overlooked and ignored. Palpably, painfully rejected. The bigger I get the less I become. And I feel so utterly insignificant.

24 hours on and still shinin'

I really love this!

We spend so much time building an identity around our misery. We wallow in it and find solace in it and we start to believe that it is what we want. We don't want out of it so we don't really even try.

Yet here, against my will, a few cracks have spread through the concrete in my mind.
And sun is streaming through!


And it is so much better.

I love you too
x

glint

It's in my eye! It is!


I have just spent the last few days feeling strangely happy. Against the most unlikely odds. Despite almost no sleep, times of loneliness, mountains of pressure, tangible rejection and a whole lot of hangover... All of these things that normally squish me and hurt me and make me miserable and incapable have just slid off my surface. I don't get it.

It may be a phase but it doesn't feel like a phase. My eating disorder isn't really any better or any worse, but I feel calm and my mood is good. I have new patience for my family and friends, I have new energy to tackle work and I have a tiny spark of new love for myself.

In the very least I want to care for myself. I'm feeling all these surges of "first day of the rest of my life" palaver and I'm going to try to start eating normally. I'm gaining weight steadily as it is because I'm continually trying to restrict too hard and rebound binging. I'm going to try and eat around 1300 calories a day, I'm going to try and do some gentle exercise and I'm going to try to get my life back.

See?

Waste

It's easy to make promises when you're drunk.

Tonight I was dancing and my hands wandered to my abdomen and rested there somewhere for a while. And I was overwhelmed with conviction. This is going, this will be starved away. There will nothing better than shrinking all of this mass away to nothing and it will be amazing. And it will be easy because of how amazing you know it will be. And the music and the lights pounded through my head and the conviction pounded through my heart.

And now I'm home and I'm still drunk and the promise is still there but it has become a little tepid. It's there, but it's painful and difficult again, instead of amazing.

I haven't blogged in so long. I'm busy, but even more so I'm ignoring the gnawing of the fatty guilty fatty-ness and every passing moment builds more fat and more regret and more of that uneasy sensation of feeling your control being swept away. And that promise seems so light and lovely but I know how hard hard HARD I've tried before and how horribly I've failed over and over and OVER again.

I'm not really sure where to go from here. Tomorrow is a new day. ANOTHER new day.

Stick with me. Please, PLEASE, I'm inattentive but I do do DO love you all. And I need you all so much. It breaks my heart to think of you out there so far away and so hopelessly desperately horribly lost because I KNOW HOW THAT FEELS

and now I'm just ranting.No more sentence structure just a blur of grasping desperation. I am wasted. I am a waste.