5 (in progress)

This morning I weighed 59.2kg

I'm not going to lie to you, the morning of "1" I weighed 60.2kg. Perhaps the shock that spurned the change. I had long ago said I was NEVER going to weigh above 60 again! And suddenly I did.

So 59.2? It is not a good number, but it certainly sits a lot easier with me.


And what promise does the future hold?

There is a month left of winter. By spring I will weigh 57kg. Just half a kilogram a week. Slow, steady. Not slipping back. Not giving in.

Then 3 months of spring, gradual rising warmth, slow shedding of skins. 6kg in 3 months, slow, steady, not slipping back. And emerging in summer back at my personal best.

4

done
dusted
could have done better
but could have done a lot worse
had a few drinks and few bad eats but found a way to stop and a way to not binge eat when I got home. My standard practice - my standard catastrophe - averted

5 is going to be great. I know it!

3

It's at 3, it seems, that the self doubt gets you

And the "what's the point?"
the "Why not"?

And the will I, won't I, will I? Won't I?

And I didn't,
but it was close.

I will need to muster some strength if I'm to tackle 4

2

When it feels THIS much better,
Why do I always revert back?

I don't know,
All I know is that I won't revert back tomorrow,
Because tomorrow is: 3

1

Did not throw up
Ate like the person I want to be
Defied temptation

Instead of binging and purging after work, tonight I moved a fridge, tidied my lounge room, went for a drive, prepared my lunch for tomorrow, washed my face and am going to bed early. I'm evening soaking my little portion of oats and chia and quinoa ready for breakfast in the morning.

It is so easy to forget the main reason why I need to beat bulimia.

It is not because it is making me fat
It is not because it is rotting my teeth
It is not because it crushes my self esteem
It is not because it makes me feel weak and sad

It is because it deprives me of all of the rest of my life. Just one day without it has shown me how much more I can accomplish.

Next installment: 2

Nostalgia

"I'm amazed how easy it is getting to restrict. My body is getting used to less food. Going to bed hungry, and it feels so lovely" - 31/03/2009



Days of innocence and arrogance, it was all so easy then.

slipping

I hate my life, my job, myself
but I am the eternal optimist.
I know, KNOW that somehow everything will work out
and I will lead a wonderful life
and I will be OK.

It is strange. I can be so depressed. I can feel so low. And yet always there is hope. It makes me smile to think that beneath the surface there is person in me somewhere who realises there is something wonderful out there for her. Despite hours of fighting tears today to the point that the lump in my throat was HURTING me. A hairs breadth from an explosion of emotion, held fast by the faintest hope (and that horrible lump). I know I will be OK.

And yet I take such risks. I am typing quickly because soon I know I won't be able to. Gin and maximal doses of multiple sleeping pills. I don't really even know why, saves to say I guess I just need the sleep. And to blot things out. There is hope, sure, but the more I can blot out in the meantime the better.

I feel this is making less sense. I feel my conscious state is waning.
I can't be clever. I'm impeded.

And I want to stay awake to feel the strength and the will forced out of my body and to feel myself be dragged away from all my problems by a haze to thick to fight.

There was something here I wanted to say, some insightful point. Now it's gone. It's all going. I'm losing time. I love to watch as my fingers try to make the words on my keyboard and they struggle and backtrack and try to show sense.

And somewhere in my mind an ancient library and spiral staircases and I don't know why but it is beautiful

See now, I'm going

Anise my love I miss you immensely.
Lulu, Savory, are you even still around?

I am not around

I am messy and in about 15 seconds I will be unconscious

Nothing feels quite as good as this

And yet, optimism. Someday I will find something good enough not to need to blot is out.



xx
Pasco
Ethereal

tomorrow weigh in

and try, try again

4 days

4 days sans spew
Each a difficult and desperate battle
But the calories are coming down
I'm eeking them down
With every ounce of will and strength and struggle

Mon 1200
Tue 1100
Wed 900
Thu 900

Working all weekend this weekend
It will be horrid

But hopefully distracting enough to keep me ploughing on