Smiles Before Bed Time

Feeling quite good today. I ate about 500cal and pretty much all of it was just raw fruit and veg. I also went to an online pharmacy and spent a chunk of my government economic stimulus payout on vitamins, diet pills and caffeine supplements... I felt like I was being proactive and I can't wait til my package arrives in the mail!

I haven't weight myself in a while, but I want to hold off as long as I can so the number is more impressive (and hopefully not more of a disappointment). People have been telling me I'm looking thin. My mother who has always told me I'm fat has started saying I need to put on weight. It's funny - I don't want people to notice until it's too late. I want them to suddenly realise what's happening to me, not gradually predict it.

I'm amazed how easy it is getting to restrict. My body is getting used to less food. Going to bed hungry, and it feels so lovely :)

There is no one I can talk to. I feel so alone. I don't know what to do. I'm a failure at life. I feel so sick.

I work in a hospital. Yesterday I had a free half an hour and I was so bored. I though I might go sit in the cafe and grab some food and coffee. Then I realised that this would be a horrible way to spend my time because my boredom would be making me fat. It was late in the day and there weren't many people around, so I headed to the stair well and walked up the 8 flights to the top floor of the hospital. Then I caught the lift down and did it another 4 times. Not much, but 5 x 8 is 40 flights of stairs - way better than sitting on my pudgey ass eating hospital cafeteria food!

It never occured to me to do this before, but it is such a great idea! My calves and quads got some serious burn. The only downside was that I was sweating like a pig when I was due to head into my meeting afterwards... Perhaps a little more thought and a little more deodorant required for next time (and next time I'll do 80 flights!)

Movies
Popcorn
Purge
Bed

Oh Happy Day!!

Hopped on the scales this am... have been putting it off... thinking I never ever want to see a number in the 60s (kg) ever again...

So yes, closed my eyes, held my breath... and...

59.8kg!!!!

Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!

I know it's still pretty fat, but I haven't weighed in the 50s since... well probably since primary school!

So now I've hit my first goal of being sub-60, and can work on my next goal of hitting 55kg (121lbs).

Time to celebrate with my grapefruit ala yesterday's meal plan

Tomorrow

Breakfast
3tsp apple cider vinegar (0)
1tbsp psylium husk (0)
I boiled egg (100)
1/2 grapefruit (50)
Green tea (0)

1 hour treadmill (-500)

Lunch
3tsp apple cider vinegar (0)
Salmon (150)
Celery (0)
Carrot (0)
Tomato (0)
Green Tea (0)

Dinner
3tsp apple cider vinegar (0)
1tbsp psylium husk (0)
Nectarine (50)
Grapes (100)
Raspberries (50)

Snacks
Peppermint tea (0)
Water (0)

...equals 0!!

Breakfast

Got up early, had my half a grapefruit and green tea for breakfast, chased with a handful of vitamins and antidepressants.

Accompanied my boyfriend to the bakery then watched him eat a big cheesy bacony pizza roll, followed by a jam doughnut and washed down with a bottle of orange juice.

It was so hard.

And now I have to go the gym.

Time to be honest...

...with myself

I need to put my stats down because otherwise I can't track progress. But they aren't pretty. My recent weight loss hasn't transformed me into a thin girl, jut into a fat girl from a really fat girl. Granted it was a few years back that I was a really really fat girl, but if I put it down it will be a reminder of what can happen if I give up. I look back on pictures of myself and I feel ill. The thing that disturbs me most is that at the time I didn't really care.

Height: 166cm (5'6")
HW: 75kg (165lbs) BMI: 27.3
CW: 62kg (136.5lbs) BMI: 22.5
GW: 49kg (110lbs) BMI: 17.8

There's only one way to go. Down.

Fat Forever

Recently I've lost about 10kg.

When the numbers go down on the scales it gives me such a rush. But then when I enter the world I am so disappointed. I feel as though I look the same, and everyone else has just got fatter. My size changes in proportion to everybody else but I don't actually become thin. Girls I used to look at with envy now just look kind of hefty and it's distressing. No matter how much weight I manage to lose I will never be thin, just less fat than all the other people.

Drifter

About a week ago I decided not to eat anymore. I'm not entirely sure why.

I mean, I wish desperately to be tiny and emaciated, but I don't think that's the only reason. I know eating disorders are generally about control, and while I'm sure there's an element of this in me, that's not quite it either.

I honestly don't understand it. My rational internal monologue says that it's OK, that I'm not that horribly fat, that awfully out of control, that foul or terrible or disgusting a person. I even believe it, mostly. But then something deep deep inside has just said no. No food.

And it's been so easy! I'm shocked. I don't want to eat, I don't crave anything, I just feel slightly emptier each day, like I'm slipping away, and it feels fantastic. I'm forcing myself to ingest the barest minimum because I'm a medic and I know I need to. But I suddenly feel full on a stick of celery and a small plum feels like a meal.

I know it will change. I've felt myself drift down similar paths before and there's always a binge or an occasion that breaks the spell. For a long time I've perused others' blogs and I've always wanted to share the support of like-minded people whose pursuits match my own. I feel like I can do it. To become ethereal...