Today I watched as an anorexic girl my own age, weighing in at 28kg, screamed and cried and tore through a psych ward with more power than a 150kg schizophrenic. Overturning trays, slamming her supplement drinks into the wall and pummeling her fists into the nurses. When she finally settled she stood in the shower in a pool of her own tears and clutched in horror at her fat-fat-too-fat body.
Somewhere between her and I lies this mystical perfect place.
And you know what? I reckon it lies a lot closer to me than it does to her. What the FUCK am I doing? We gotta wake up, right?
That's crazytown, I hope we never go there. Grant us the power to reach a happy AND healthy weight. And stop.
ReplyDeleteWe'll get there :)
XO
I never want to go that far...I think to myself, I'll have the power to stop, right?
ReplyDeleteThe thinspiration pictures of ABSOLUTE skeletons are so scary to me so I like to think that I won't be blind to the point that I'll let myself get that thin.
I am finishing Wasted right now and I am scared to bits. I am scared to loose it and disconnect completely reality and basically let myself die. The problem is we can see too thin in others but not on us. And we don't trust mirrors. How will we stop, wake up, then? Where does dream end and reality begins?
ReplyDeleteYou make a good point here.
ReplyDeleteSometimes we realize that we don´t realize anything at all. We see that we don´t see. That´s why we need a goal weight, an ultimate goal weight, and we have to chose it on a day we are as close to reality as we can get.
And we may never cross that line again. Otherwise, we will get to the point you saw today.
This is not pretty, this is not healthy, this is leading no where exept the psychiatric ward, the ICU or the cemetery.
And this is why we have to take care of one another.
Take good care, and use your impression today for something important.
I totally get that. sometimes I feel like this is totally an out of control matter for me and I worry that one day I'll be 80lbs or less and feeling fat.....
ReplyDeleteI had a friend who got to that weight exactly and was in hospital and did exactly the same thing. She had to have 5 male nurses hold her down to stop her after she smashed a mirror with a vase to try and cut herself. She had shoved a chair under the handle of the door to her room first to lock the nurses out and they got to her just in time. Scary as she was so tiny, she was just a walking skeleton.
ReplyDeleteI think I'm there sometimes... But not quite as obvious as her.
ReplyDelete