you know when you've got tears streaming down your face and you don't know if it's because you're horribly upset or because your eye make up is running into your eyes?
fuck. I want him so badly yet I hate him so much and it's killing me. And it's 5am and all the world has closed down and there's nothing left. All I can possibly do is sleep but there is no way it will happen and all I can feel is this desperate yearning in this hideous limbo.
Edit: I feel suddenly compelled to mention, in case it didn't come through, I really REALLY fucking hate myself
I liked a guy so much, that now i'm so cut off from my good emotions. Compassion, care, etc. None of my boyfriends afterwards have gotten the 'real' Ariadne.. I have a cold heart. And i hate it
ReplyDeleteIt breaks my heart to read you when you're hurting, because I care about you so much.
ReplyDeleteYes, I understood every feeling you wrote about in your last post. But I knew I had no helpful advice to give you.
Men rip me to shreds, even when they don't intend to and don't know it.
That wanting, that terrible, irrational wanting. I know it... oh Pasco, I don't know what to say because I know it's impossible to sensibly block out what you feel, but goodness knows you are worth SO MUCH. No one in the world is worth destorying yourself for or hurting for. No one in the world is worth your pain.
For all the amount you hate yourself right now, remember, there are a lot of us, spanning the whole globe, right now, who love you so much more :)
x x x x x
wow i was going to try to write something helpful here but I think Ophelia said it all. all i can say is, YOU ARE MY SOUL MATE AND YOU ARE NOT WORTH NOTHING!! love and sex can do hideous things to those of us who are already fragile. the only thing we can do is steel ourselves and fight back. i am not sure what this means but it's true anyway. YOU are made of light. you are magic. boys are shit. i want to slap this one for you for causing you pain even if he doesn't mean to. remember that YOU are in charge of your own feelings despite what it feels like. i know that's a shit thing to hear but it really does help. you can pull yourself out of this because you are NOT shit and so many people here know beyond any shadow of a doubt that you are wonderful and amazing.
ReplyDeletewhatever. enough preaching. i make myself sick sometimes because i spout all this shit and seriously, what right do i have, i who just bought cake mix and made the batter and ate it and threw it up, all planned and on purpose? incidentally, in answer to your question of months ago, cake batter tastes the same coming out as it does going in, and comes up quite nicely... all in all one of the best pukes i've had... yeesh.
hang in there, darling. this too shall pass. i swear it.
xx x
Relax. Breathe deep. You are beautiful, inside, and out. Don't let this tare you apart. Don't let it break you. I know for a fact that you are stronger than this.
ReplyDelete*Paper Bag by Fiona Apple
Sending love and support your way, darling girl.
ReplyDelete♥
You can get through this, things will always work out for the best in the end. And you have all of us here for support.
ReplyDeleteXx. Lillie.
Oh Pasco. My heartaches with you.
ReplyDeleteBe strong and stay lovely.
the other night i was sobbing so hard my friend thought i had been RAPED by the guy i had been smooching. but i was just hysterically crying about the fact he wasnt who i wanted. so yes, i kmnow the feeling. It sucks.
ReplyDeletebut eating doesnt really make it any better. i should know.
so should you.
i love getting drunky emails from you, it makes me feel much less ashamed of my own drunky emails to you!
pick yourself up miss pasco rose, you're not nearly as awful as you think.xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx