eat your little heart out

Today was one of those days that went on forever. Granted I didn't sleep much last night, I woke up early to the boy I went to bed with, and now it's 3am. So it HAS genuinely been a really long day. It is still peculiar though to feel so incredibly far away from the start of it.

I want to say that I woke up "in the arms of" the boy I went to bed with. But I didn't. I don't think it's like that. It's screwing and sleeping and the occasional uncomfortable glance. Mostly on my part (honestly I'm not sure he even looks at me at all). It's the same boy of lamenting posts passed. And it's the same lament. I never wanted anything from him but as soon as he offers it I suddenly need it and live in abject horror that at any moment it will be taken away.

I feel so infinitesimally small I could stream through the eye of a needle.


Tonight I poured my little heart out and waited for hours for some sort of reply and any sort of validation. All I got was silence and that same sickening fear - that someone can be so powerful over me as to take away something I never even wanted in the first place and then suck away the rest of me with it. It's so important to me to be important to him. To everybody. Just like everybody else, the centre of my own universe, so special special SPECIAL.

It's the constant tugging aching horrible pain of knowing, really KNOWING you are nobody and nothing. It's true, don't tell me otherwise, we all have to accept that it's true. I just wish people wouldn't offer me the hope that I might mean something, only to take it away.