messy messy messy MESS
i cannot stop. i talk to myself out loud. i SCREAM at myself. plead with myself. PLEASE fucking PLEASE but no. no NO NO because still hand to mouth hand to mouth hand to mouth all fucking day.
hand to mouth
hand to mouth
hand to mouth
finger to throat
nothing
nothing nothing nothing
finger to throat
harder
faster
FUCKING THRUSTING
nothing
HARDER
NO FUCKING LETTING OFF NO MATTER HOW MUCH IT HURTS
hand to fucking mouth FUCK YOU
it really is like there is this part of me that hates myself so much. hears my pleas. please please just stop. and it looks at me sideways, crooked grin, winks at me, then grabs fistfuls of hate and rams them into my mouth.
hand to mouth
chew
swallow
throw up
and i'm still happy. kind of. in a miserable whirlwindy kind of way. i'm seeking people. i've lost satisfaction in isolation. the solace of sadness is gone. i want life but life kicks the fucking shit out of me.
i'm happy but i'm hurting more than ever.
fuck it. i'm not happy. this isn't happiness.
i don't know where i am
but i know i don't like it
oh Pasco! soul mate! i LOVE you!! i have missed you and i'm glad you're back but i'm also not at the same time. you know what i mean.
ReplyDeletethis is a beautiful, beautiful post. by which i mean beautifully written, beautifully expressed, not beautiful to be there. those last three paragraphs, that is where i am EXACTLY. it is fucking confusing.
we are lost somewhere in the woods together. someday we will really and physically get lost in the woods together, ok? and we will forget that we are lost because we will just be talking and talking for so long that someone will discover us and only then, when we are safe, will we realize we have been lost. :D
LOVE LOVE and more and more LOVE!! xx x
You brilliantly described this. I've had this happen plenty of times. Sometimes you feel like there is no release, and you're alone, left to stew in your regret and fat.
ReplyDeleteHoping you're feeling better. xoxo
Stay strong darling, try and find something to keep you steady and keep you grounded. I know how difficult it is when everything crumbles to chaos, but it can and will fall into place again. your body still loves you. you're never alone x x x x x
ReplyDeleteEthereal or ephemeral?
ReplyDelete