all my love

Yesterday was a hellish start to the weight loss competition...

- over max intake: -10
- exercise: none
- water: +1 x 4 = +4
- binging: -5 x 3 = -15
- purging: -5 x 3 = -15
- encouraging teammates: +3
- bonus question +10

Total: -23

So far today I've done considerably better. Had 100 cal of watermelon for breakfast and nothing else. I'm deliberating over whether to make some baked fish and raw veg for dinner, or hold out completely. Either way I should come out well under my 700 cal max allowance. I can't decide if I should give myself any exercise points for walking to uni and back, 45 mins in total. Maybe half points.

Saw my psychologist this afternoon for our last session. We are only allowed to get a certain amount subsidised by the uni. I fucking love her. It's like having a friend who is only interested in hearing about your shit. I can just talk and talk at her for hours, and she always lets me go overtime. She is the only person in the world where I feel the safety to say everything and anything, unedited, exactly as it comes to me, face to face. I think I'll miss her a lot. If only I had actual friends it mightn't be so bad. I could muse endlessly on my inherent insecurities that cause me to be so attached to my therapist... but really I think it's just nice to be able to explode all over someone who is paid to pretend to care.

I want to reinvent myself. Really dig deep and find any tendrils of personality I do have tucked away, then dredge them up and try to make them more a part of me. Shake this zombie off my brain. I want to feel like I'm actually living my life. Have people know me. Love me. Define myself somehow. Develop a little identity. Even now I'm boring myself with the cliches. I'm sorry. I still can't stand myself. But I'm trying.

All of you are so wonderful. Sometimes I think if I could meet some of you in real life we could be real friends. Make life slightly better for one another. But then, perhaps this is a sort of support that can only function in this ambivalent anonymous medium. Quite sad really. Still, usually I feel more genuine warmth and affection here than from anywhere else.

WE GET EACH OTHER

We are so separate from the rest of society in the way we feel, think and function, yet so similar to one another. I think that's why I really love you so much. I know you, because it's like looking in the mirror at my own life, without the veil of self-loathing. An inborn error we all possess for hatred which is firmly pointed inward but completely absent in our appraisal of others.

My friends
My girls
My self

and ALL my love


xx