OK!
For the first time in ages. Not great. But bloody fucking OK!
Went to the psychologist I've been seeing for depression (so passe) and blurted out an oral version of my previous post. Sex, spew and rock and roll. I've never talked about eating stuff with her before, but I figured she'd done a nice job of "gaining my trust" and "developing a rapport" (they teach us how to do this in medicine too, it's so obvious but it really works) so I thought she deserved my disclosure. Plus she's lovely and adorable and excellent to talk to. It felt great to talk about it. Just bouncing ideas off her. With no judgment and no pressure to change. Really, anyone who needs someone to talk to face to face but wants to maintain their secrecy and anonymity, get yourself a clin psych. Particularly if you can see them for free through uni like me.
You girls are really my all
My psych asked of my ex ex "do you think he understood the magnitude of the secret you told him, how much it meant for you to tell him that?" and I said "no, not at all"
She knew, as you know, that this stuff is EVERYTHING
It amazes me the effort that goes into living life this way.
Desperately, hopelessly clawing and scratching the fat away from our bodies with bleeding fucking nails.
Every little thing
Messy, vomiting, starving, just every tiny thing we can do here and now to weigh just a little less. Such incredible desperation and distress.
People just don't get that
Today I ate:
2 baby apples 100
2 baby pears 100
1 plum 50
1/4 cup raspberries 50
1 carrot 0
1 handful snow peas 0
1 handful cherry tomatoes 0
Vietnamese chicken salad and 1/4 cup rice and some other prawny bits and stuff500ish
Total: 800
A month ago I'd have been horrified by that. But for now it's start. And it was all really good for my poor ragged body. Except the rice, but fuck it, it wasn't much!
Tomorrow will be even better. The claws are back out ladies. Time to scramble my way back up... back down
Thanks for the comment. I'm only in my first year. So quite a way to go.
ReplyDeleteWell done on being almost done - how do you manage to concentrate to get the work done.
I told a friend my secret and she was so insensitive I just couldn't communicate how big a part of my life it is to her.
I'm glad you're feeling OK today.
Look after yourself. xo
and im so about to scream because the comment i took ages to write got deleted D=
ReplyDeletehaha
but anyways,
i love your writing!!
its like youve got an eating disorder summed up into one paragraph, and i love it.
youre lovely!
XOXO Sophia Ruins <3
i'm sorry your secret didnt get the response you wanted/deserved. I've found that the only people i have ever opened up to about it have just thought less of me for it so i dont bother anymore...
ReplyDeleteOn a brighter note, you havent purged in three days oui?! i knew we could both do it. It means a couple of higher eating days to get it under control but we're getting there. 800 cals is an awesome day, dont beat yourself up when you know that a lower total would have meant a BP cycle. I'm proud of us! xx
I am so glad you've developed such a great relationship with your therapist :) Hopefully being able to talk with her about this stuff will help, seeing as you spilled your heart to your ex ex and well, we remember how that went.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I'm really proud of you! You're doing so well :)