Monday, December 21, 2009
Labile
Two days of the plan effortlessly completed. I'm exercising, eating perfectly, not even getting hungry. An ideal start.
But my mood...
My mood is off.
This isn't good.
If I can't maintain my mental state I know I won't be able to maintain my diet.
I've been working like a trojan at the gym. It has been feeling great. Hard, but great. But several times I have almost burst into tears on the treadmill. I haven't felt upset and there have been no precipitants, but I've been getting these massive sudden surges of emotion. I guess it's endorphins, but this doesn't normally happen and I don't like it. And tonight I feel terrible. Looking around at my room and just being swamped by this immense guilt. Receipts and tags litter my floor from the shit I have bought that I don't need or really even want. Consumption. Fuck it's so gross. There are a couple of little gifts my mum has bought me and when I see them I want to hurl because I feel so completely undeserving. It sickens me, that she loves me. I am a leech. I owe her so much. SO much. I'm thousands of dollars behind in rent that she has been covering for me, and I don't even try to make it up. I continue to fritter away unearned cash on frivolous shit. Consume consume consume. I really fucking disgust myself.
I'm really really feeling it right now. Guilt guilt disgusting fucking self-loathing horrible guilt. It worries me. I don't want my mind to crumble under my new regime.
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You know what, I did the same thing when I was a student/unemployed and I also felt really guilty. I would buy all this stuff for myself but I would also ask for help to pay my phone bill or some kind of thing that I should have paid myself. Then my family would buy me stuff when they came and visited me and it does feel awful but I know now that I am working, I don't do that anymore. When you don't have a lot of money coming in I think you should also be happy too. Now, for example with my Mum, when she comes for xmas, Me and A pay for everything, which makes me feel better. All she has to do is come herself and not bring anything at all. I don't think there is an easy answer for this because it's finding your feet that's the hard thing. It will happen, sometimes it's just takes a little longer than you anticipated. Take care :-)
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