Empty, Alone

It's 8.30pm
I feel drained, exhausted
But the day flew by with barely a fleeting thought of food

Apparently I'm quite good at fasting. I'm simple minded. If it has been resolved that I will fast it's all too easy because it rids my day of choices. I am a mess when it comes to choices. Really, fasting is almost cheating. I'm messing up my metabolism and fueling my binge cycle and it will probably lead to ultimate weight gain in the end. But it's so much easier than calculating calories and deliberating over nutrients and flavours and guilt... Oh god how I suck at choices.

On Monday I just wanted to make it to Saturday. I almost have. I'm too tired to feel proud. I've done exactly what I set out to do. I have not thrown up once. A whole 5 days, a working week, of not throwing up. I ate too much yesterday, but not devastatingly so, and I made up for it by eating nothing today. This should spur me on to continue doing well. I've met my goals, I should now surpass them. Instead I have half a mind on this blog and the other half trying to plan out my celebration binge/purge tomorrow.

I'm only now starting to feel hungry. And not all that hungry. Not so hungry that it can't be taken care of with a couple of laxatives and sleeping pills. My stomach is coping, but I think my mind may not be. I've been a miserable wreck all day. Just drizzling tears. I even cried at a uni administrator. Earlier today I typed up a long emo post about how everyone hates me, only just managing to realise how completely pathetic it was and deleting it. I do feel fairly universally hated though. The more weight you lose the more you really need love and friendship, but the more people reject you because they see you as vain and dull and superficial. Or because you make them feel fat. Or because they think you're judging them as being fat, which you deny to yourself but of course deep down you secretly are.

Getting sadder and lonelier
People don't even answer the phone now when I call
They don't call back
They isolate me
And do nothing to save me from isolating myself


Look... this is turning into the emo post I tried to get rid of!
And I've missed my antidepressants the last few days because I ran out and I've been too fucking depressed to go to the pharmacy to pick up my new prescription!

...

My cat has sensed my angst and come to shout at me in his purr-voice and tell me that I'm not alone - I have him - and to stop taking him for granted and being a mopey cow. He's also telling me that when I step on the scales in the morning it's all going to be worth it. The last time I weighed was this time last week and I was 54kg. Tomorrow I'm going to weigh 52kg. He's sure of it, he says, very confident in fact. But he would love me at any size.

Thankyou sweetie, I do appreciate you. I feel much better now.
I just hope you're right

x