and it makes me cry

sometimes I see things that are so beautiful

that all I can feel is deep and overwhelming sadness.

because
it's art
just an illusion
but I want to live within it
always








visceral
mindnumbing
pain

fail

Lucky Break

56.5kg (124.3lbs) this morning.
I've been so terrible lately but I feel like I've been lucky... the weight hasn't leapt on yet... a few days grace... a free pass...

SO DON'T SCREW IT UP

It's Wednesday morning, 6.30am, gotta get up and go to uni. And today I am going to be a good good good girl!



Up and at 'em

Maybe then I'll fade away and not have to face the facts...

...it's not easy facing up when your whole world is black





Can't break out of this abyss. Mood swings, panic stations, food. NO CONTROL
I mean how hard can it be to just not eat something? Hand to mouth to chew to swallow. Just no. Why not just say no?

Still, I can't keep going like this

I spent a fortune at the supermarket today. I bought "healthy normal person good food" things like grainy bread and reduced fat cheese. I think I need to try and go on a "healthy normal person good food" diet for a while. I don't want to be a normal healthy person FAT COW but I need to at least stabilise a bit. Just have to stop crazy binging. And if I can stabilise around 800-1000 cal a day for a while, then I can start tapering it off again and get back to some good restricting.

But I also bought a whole bunch of antacid tablets and sugarfree sports drinks and low fat chocolate icecream. I figure if I'm going to binge, at least I have a harm minimisation strategy in place. Antacids first, easily purged icecream second, electrolyte replacing sports drinks and more antacids to finish... I have no idea if the antacids or sports drinks will actually do anything to protect my body... does anyone know of anything else?

Shit, now I have this fridge full of food and I'm hungry but NOW the eat-a-phobia has finally kicked in and I'm terrified to put anything in my mouth.

all I did today was

eat
eat
eat
eat
eat
eat

...usually I get all antsy and anxious and have to purge, but I couldn't even be bothered. Just kept going. And could NOT get full. Just blargh.

JUST BLARGHH

I should go weigh myself but I'll probably keel over with horror

Ah well, uni tomorrow. Gotta keep busy, shrink my tummy up, get my hungry on, ohhhhh I wanna feel hungry again SHIT SHIT BLARGHHHHHHH

WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING????

bitch whore cow

It's been 9 days now since my boy and I broke up.
The first person I told was my best friend, via sms.
She never replied.

I thought, OK, there's a bit bit of a "boy who cried wolf" thing going on here. I do complain about him a lot, she probably thinks I'm not serious. A simple "hope you're OK" would be nice, but she's probably just too busy to respond, I'm gonna let it slide.

Still hadn't heard a peep from her til yesterday afternoon when she asked me if I was going to some going away party thing for another friend. Didn't really want to put I thought fuck it, I'm single now I have to try and get off my butt and mingle.

When I saw her, she didn't say ANYTHING about it. She said coldly, "so, have you stopped eating then?" like an accusation. People always say it like an accusation. With a forked tongue and spiteful up down glare. YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND. How about: "Have you been coping, you look thin, I hope you're eating something, I'm here for you"???

But no, if I'm losing weight, she's just pissed off because she looks fatter in comparison. So the whole night she didn't ask me ANYTHING about myself or my breakup or how I was doing. She just talked on and on about herself, and how all these boys wanted her last night, and how her mum is such a bitch, and how she doesn't know what to do next year, and how she wishes she had a boyfriend, and blah blah blah me me me me me me ME!

She couldn't even look at me.

The clincher came when a another girl there who I'd only met twice (and who couldn't even remember my name) asked how things were going with my boyfriend, and upon hearing about the breakup promptly embraced me and openly wished me all the best and told me she'd be thinking of me and she knew how hard it was.

Right in front of my best friend who looked away and still said NOTHING.

The thing that drives me nuts is that all she does is talk about herself and complain about her life and I ALWAYS support her through it. No matter how mundane or repetitive it is. She's my best fucking friend. I'm there for her.

Well FUCK HER

If she can't stand how much better I look than her now she going to hate it when I'm another 10 pounds down.

It's hardened my resolve.

Pity I b/pd the weekend away.
Shit, fuck, I feel really messy.
Last night I bawled for the first time in weeks.

Sorry about the language.

No Sweeter Sound...

"... Oh, you're tinier than I realised, let me grab that for you in a an 8"

So I spent $230 I didn't have on a dress. Because it was beautiful and a perfectly fitting size 8 (US 4) which is also an xs here in Australia.

And today this girl at uni who STARES AT ME CONSTANTLY, who I assumed just hated me, looked up from her staring and asked sweetly "what exercise do you do?" So turns out she's just envious of my body and wants to know how she can get one. Ha!

And down some more to 55.9 this am. The 55s, wonderful. Just gotta get under it... I could get there in a week if I put my mind to it.

And today was just 400cal.

What a lot of little bits of loveliness in one day.

56.3kg (123.9lbs)

So that's good!
Down 1.9kg (4.2lbs) from the same time last week which is better than I even hoped.

When I looked in the mirror this morning for a fleeting moment I got a glimpse of how much weight I've lost, and for a second saw what other people have been seeing. I actually looked thin, my legs looked a lot smaller, I thought I saw a hint of an abdominal muscle, ribs, spindly arms. Like the super-critical eye was softened by the shock of my loss on the scales.

But it came back pretty fast.

If you stand naked in front of the mirror and grab your bum and thighs from the back, then pull them back, it's like looking at yourself after losing a few more kgs. And it looks better.

Last night I took a cupcake and a cup of green tea into the shower with me. I sat under the water. chewing and spitting my semi-soggy cupcake down the drain, intermittently cleaning out my mouth with the water from the shower and drinking my tea. The tea made me feel full, as though i was actually eating the cupcake. The whole time I was doing it I thought, jesus, Pasco you really are a fucking crazy person.

What an odd post.

I'm so fucking late for uni.

Love you kids all to bits xxx

350cal in today
Tomorrow I weigh

Luckily hunger doesn't impair my sleep
If I can make it til bed time I can make it til morning
Please please please let me be less than 57kg (125.4lbs)

Weigh Better

Pretty good today:

Breakfast: Grapes 100

Lunch: Raw veg 0, Teensy bit of salmon 50, Small apple 50

Dinner: Fruit salad with walnuts 300

A minor aberration came along in the afternoon. Went to hang out with the ex-ex-boyfriend (the ex before the recent ex). He told me how I looked thinner and thinner every time he saw me. Naturally I denied any substantial weight loss and ate the icecream he bought me to prove it. Had a quick purge of maybe half of it. So I'm banking an upper limit of 300 ingested.



Total: 800

But I made it to the gym and put in a fairly intense 1hr, approx 500

So overall about 800 - 500 = 300
I can dig that!
Plus I've finally started getting my hungry back which feels nice.

Not weighing til Wednesday morning
Sssssssscary!
Can't weight!




PS: If only the ex-boyfriend was as attentive as the ex-ex-boyfriend, maybe I wouldn't be in this mess!!!

PPS: I have the HUGEST new crush... WANT... BAD

Always a next time, probably tomorrow

It's OK
It's OK to throw up today
and take more laxatives
It's OK because even though I know it's really hurting me, tomorrow will be different

Tomorrow I'll be good
I won't need to
Everything will be better tomorrow

So tonight I will purge and it will be OK because there won't be a next time

But I said that yesterday
and the day before that
and the day before that

And there will probably be a next time
because there's ALWAYS a next time
And it will probably be tomorrow
because it's usually tomorrow

And slowly but surely I'll destroy myself

I think I'm really actually very nearly properly bulimic now.

Single

Boy and I broke up yesterday after bang on 3 years
That's quite a long time
My whole 20s thus far

Feels so weird
Smiley and relieving at first because it's been a long time coming and I feel sort of free
But scary as hell
Can't remember what it's like to be alone

Thank christ I started losing weight BEFORE it ended so I didn't wind up fat and stranded... beached... but as I said it's been coming on for a while. Maybe that's part of the reason I started this. Maybe.

Still, more to lose and nobody now to stop me

I really want to make myself over... I need more than ever now to become excruciatingly beautiful. I just wish there was something more I could do. Something extreme and fast and exciting. But really there's just slow, painstaking starvation.

OH. MY. GOD.

Literally MOMENTS after pressing "send" on my previous post it hit me.

Wow.

Extremely effective.

Highly recommended.

May never ever do it again! hahaha

HELP - unflushed!

So I managed to get rid of the boyfriend last night so I could try a salt water flush this morning. I just wanted to feel fresh and empty to get a good start to the weekend.

I drank 1L of water with 2 fairly heaped teaspoons of salt. I just used regular table salt which i KNOW you aren't supposed to do but I figure with my knowledge of physiology it shouldn't really make any difference.

Harder than I anticipated to drink, but I gulped it all down pretty quick.

That was about 3.5 hrs ago, and for the last hour I've had some cramping but otherwise nothing. And I got so SO thirsty I ended up drinking about another litre of fresh cold water (and I'm thinking about having some more)! So I'm worried I've just absorbed all the salt now or something. Oooooh but I don't feel good! ...but not like I need to go to the toilet either.

I've never done this before, and just wanted to hear from anybody who maybe had...
Ugh, I wish I hadn't embarked on this...

help?

Y B Thin?

1) Because it's hard, and I can, and most can't, and my friends will shit themselves with jealousy (cow, much?)

2) It's something to do. Something to think about. As though my life has some meaning or purpose. Like a strange, dissociative experiment... what will happen to me?

3) Being carried, cradled, lifted, lightweight, lovely.

4) And of course, above all, to be beautiful ...ethereal

Weak

Chocolate again.

Today's intake:
1/2 cup bran 100
1/2 cup raspberries 50
1/2 punnet strawberries 50
Easter bunny 500

That easter bunny plagued me all day. Thinking about it. Picturing it. Trying to rationalize including it in my intake. Eventually eating it. Then as soon as it was swallowed, accepted, my boyfriend proposed pizza. The thought of it drove me mad. I wanted nothing more. I wanted pizza so badly. I resisted, but the guilt of it still hung over me and I purged as much bunny as I could. I got up maybe half. Impossible to say really. I never intended to. But suddenly I HAD to.

The saddest part is it was delicious on the way up too.

On the upside I managed to palm off the rest of my easter chocolate on others. So now there's no crap left in my fridge or my house.

Now it won't plague me any more and I can move on.

Estimated overall daily calories: 500

Strong

I caved and ate 150cal of chocolate.

I didn't even want it, was just shoving it my mouth and I couldn't figure out why, I just felt so useless.

Then I said, "darling, you can let chocolate have power over you, or you can get into your car, drive to the gym, burn that shit off and take the control back youself"

So I burnt that chocolate off thrice over.

So far, So ok

My smoothie tastes like crap
But I've stuck to it for breakfast and lunch
I think I'll shove dinner's portion down the sink
Blech
I'd rather have nothing!

Meant to work out today but had a hideous headache and feeling nauseated. There's still a little time left in case I feel better but can't see it happening. Still, I'm counting on keeping it a < 200cal day, so it's not a terrible disaster.

But what on earth will I do tomorrow? I can't face another smoothie. Even if I improve the ingredients I just feel so put off after today. I think I used too much celery...

Weighed this morning at 58.2kg (128lbs)
Not the worst gain in the world and I think a lot of it was bloat weight.
Still... on the back of the success of the 1 week mini challenge I'm not going to weigh until next Wednesday morning and see if I've shaken it off by then. So I'm determined to NOT EAT for the rest of the week.

I'm really struggling though.
I think I can get through tonight fine but oh oh oh tomorrow...

Please, may I have breakfast?
Maybe just a little bran... and raspberries? 100cal

Then lunch just some carrot and celery
and a pear 50

I could stick to that...
Maybe half a can of tuna too 50

Only 200... that's not much... really...
I just want to be empty
But I c.a.n't.

stem the calorie tide

Right, Pasco, slowwwwwww down.
Screw you Easter... You can't beat me!
I'll find salvation in a RIGID MEAL PLAN!

OK, I don't think I can fast. Yet. But I can definitely make myself a big smoothie to split between breakfast, lunch and dinner. I really want to try my first salt water cleanse but I'm getting up at 5am each day to get to uni as it is... there's no way I'll have time in the mornings. But if I can just wean my intake down over the rest of the week, try to water fast on Friday then salt water flush Saturday morning.

OK... so I'll blend up my smoothie tonight ready for tomorrow.
So that should be:

1 small banana 80cal
1 large apple 100cal
2 sticks celery 0cal
1/2 cup raspberries 40cal
H20

Total: 220cal

I can supplement this with a couple more carrot & celery sticks which I'll take to uni to stop my stomach rumbling too loudly. Does anyone know how to shut it up? I find my noisy stomach is a dead giveaway when I'm restricting!

Plus tons of green tea, psyllium, water and caffeine pills

Anyway, if I can stick to that tomorrow I'll be under 250cal and back on top of my game in no time.
Wish me luck... I certainly need it!!

xx

SOMEBODY SLAP ME

help
help
HELP

I can't get back in control!!!!!

All it took was a little bend in the road and all my hard work is starting to come undone and I CAN'T stop eating!!!! I need to fast or something. But I never have before and I don't know how and I'm FREAKING out.

Easter Grossness and Sneaking Suspicions

So much food. All bad.

My immaculate fridge now bursting with chocolate.
So is my belly.

I don't even crave it, but I can't throw it away...
... because I am weak weak weak.

I'm thinking of scoffing the lot and then purging it.
Stupid I know.
I just can't have it there gradually working it's way into my intake over the next week or so and slowly but surely fucking up every single day.
I'd rather have one MASSIVE fuck up and get it over with.

But then... the suspicion is starting
Am I being paranoid?
I feel like people have mentioned the word "bulmimia" a million times around me. Jokes or comments about it. Sidelong glances. "Just don't run to the toilet to stick your finger down your throat after"...

Are they kidding?? I thought I had been discreet! Quiet! Do I smell? Did someone find my blog? Shit. Fuck.

Questions, comments about my weight. It's not like I'm ACTUALLY thin. Just not quite as fat. Please, just give me that! I don't want to be fat anymore.

aaaaaaaaaaaaarghh

Competition Weigh In

Saturday morning comes along a little earlier in Australia :)

I'm not sure if this little competition is even happening anymore (Lulu, Savory, Harlow?) but I found it pretty useful motivation anyway and have restrained from weighing myself all week.

And I was so pleased to wake up this morning and get to weigh, then FREAKED OUT when I stood in front of the scales. What if I gained??????? Took me about 10 minutes just to step on!

But:

Start Weight: 58.4 kg (128.5 lbs)
Finish Weight: 57.1 kg (125.6 lbs)

Yay! Not groundbreaking but nearly 3 lbs in a week is great for me. Particularly given my picnic disaster last weekend and how heavy I've been feeling the last few days. So nice to know that starving yourself and exercising like a maniac doesn't let you down.

Sweet relief!!

Hope you other girls did well too xxxxx

Taking the cake...

So my plan for the day was coming along nicely. 200 cal down by mid afternoon and I was confident I could go to bed on that.

Then my delightful cousin who I love called to tell me she'd made cupcakes and was coming by to share her wares.

Horror of horrors!

Hmmmm thunk I, what was the highest number of cals likely to be in a cupcake? Maybe 500? So I raced to the gym and burnt off at least that.

Cupcake arrived, smaller than I'd anticipated (good), maybe 400 cal max.

So all in all it probably worked out better to have eaten it and worked out than to have stuck to the original plan and done neither.

So today's calories, 200 + 400 - 500 = 100!
Pretty darn good
Annnnnnd it was delicious :)

Magic Capsules

woahhhhhh!!!!

Had one of my new diet pills with my 100cal breakfast this morning at 6am.
Normally I'm starving by about 10am and I curb it with a raw fruit/veg lunch around 12.

But... come 10 oclock... not a peep from my tum
Not hungry at all
Walking home for lunch, past the bakery, not even tempted, past the Japanese place, not a chance, past the deli, please are you kidding me? NOT HUNGRY!

So I sat down to my carrot, celery and pear at 12...
Could only eat half!

So so so so fantastic :)
I'll have the other half for dinner and hopefully it'll just be a 150-200cal day!

NOTICE ME

So in the last 2-3 months I've lost at least 10kg (22 lbs), a lot of which has been in the last few weeks.

As I don't see my friends or family that often, every time I do see them they comment on my weight, which feels good, but is very tricky because you have to put on the whole nonchalant "not really trying/thinking about it, just busy" act.

But my boyfriend, who I see regularly, says nothing.
I reject food around him constantly. Nothing.
He eats pizza for dinner, I'll have celery. Nothing.
I'll go to the gym for 2 hours. Nothing
In bed his hand glides over my protruding hip bones. Nothing.

Nothing. Nothing. Nothing.

I think perhaps he approves. He's too stupid to see the extent of what I'm doing. Sometimes I hate him so much.

All you other girls have problems with loved ones being overly concerned or pressuring you to eat. I feel I have the opposite problem. I'm STARVING MYSELF and all I get is unstated approval or am just not noticed at all.

Fuck

Bleh

Today's been oooookayyyyy ...

Around 650cal which I figured I needed because yesterday was low for me
But it's not sitting with me well
I feel bloated and yuck
And not particularly proud
I should have worked out
But I was too lazy :(

Damn damn damn

HOWEVER! My shipment from the online pharmacy finally arrived and pulling all my things out of the box - it felt like Christmas!!! Brimming with brand new and exciting supplements and pills... Perhaps it's my medical career path but I love the idea of using substances (natural or otherwise) to tweak and optimise our bodies' function. Or perhaps just manipulate that function to suit our personal private and somewhat sick desires.

So tomorrow has gotta be a better day... right?

Banana Tryp

I had the superest best workout at the gym last night. Totally flogged myself and must have burnt off at least twice what I ate for the day. It was one of those sessions where I could just keep going on going.

But hit the wall today. So blah. Sleepy and headachey.

But kept my intake quite low:

Small diet dairy thing 80
2 almonds 14
I small pear 50
I small apple 50
Couple of celery and carrot sticks 0

Total 194

I never count the calories in raw veg... I figure the benefits far outweigh the calories so they don't count... or maybe I'm just a big fat cheat ;)

Plus I plan on having a banana for dinner which will be about 100 making just under 300 all up

I was reading that the tryptophan in bananas converts to serotonin and helps with mood and sleep. Sounds pretty good to me right about now!

oooooooh dear...

Ate soooo much yesterday...

Romantic Parisian Picnic
It was fantastic and terrible:

1/2 bottle French champagne 265
3 small lamb cutlets 200
1/4 baguette 250
1/4 small cheese 150
1/2 cup berries 40
3 petit fours 400
1 big square chocolate 70

Total 1375

And I kept it allllll down...

Oh! Plus the banana I had for breakfast ...1475

Whoops
Honestly, it was totally worth it :)
But now I'm hitting the restriction bandwagon hard again!

First stop - GYM AND NO DINNER

purging (is it really so bad?)

So I went out to dinner tonight.

And I ate quite a lot. But I didn't eat more than I intended to. And I had a great day yesterday and I worked out and ate very little today in preparation. And I told myself that this could be a higher calorie day to keep my metabolism up. And I gave myself permission to eat. And once I'd eaten I felt fine.

Then as soon as I stepped in my front door I thought, "why have this inside me when I could so easily get rid of it?" so I purged, quickly and painlessly, and now it's gone.

And I don't feel guilty, or like I lost control. When I'm alone I rarely ever binge. I only eat too much when I'm with other people and I can't get out of it. So purging is a way of restoring control that other people have taken from me, not that I have forfeited myself.

So is it really so bad?

And really, really, best tip ever for purging - eat lots of raw veg or leafy greens like spinach before you go out. Not only does it fill you up for minimal cals so you're likely to eat less, but if you purge you know when you've got up all the bad stuff. When you see green you know it's time to stop, and you don't have to get to that nasty dehydrating stomach acid stage. I know this is a bit obvious but it worked a treat for me tonight (even though I never actually intended to do it)

Rise and Shine

Woke up to a beautiful, bright saturday morning, sun streaming through the window...

...and 58.4 on the scales!

Smashed 59! By over half a kg which is more than a pound.

The world seems so sparkly and special today. I feel relaxed and motivated, and both of these are rare for me. I think perhaps my antidepressants have finally kicked in, and I'm finally getting a little control over my life. And my weight seems to be sliding down down down. I'll get there. Everything feels so easy and light this morning.

Sleeping Light

I've been brilliant today!

-350 cal in
-500 cal out

(and a somewhat overdue BM)

I have a good feeling about the scales tomorrow. Does optimism burn calories?

I'm going out for dinner tomorrow night and I have a feeling it could be a big one, so I need a good number to motivate me to stay in control.

Fingers crossed!!!!
(and good luck to everyone else)

59.1

Ugh!

So close
But so crap

The metric system is very discouraging because it takes longer to go down whole numbers.

Ah well maybe tomorrow.

Does anyone ever really get there?

I mean, does anyone hit their magic number, look in the mirror and go "wow! I look great! Time to maintain"?

I was at the gym this evening and on the way there I was thinking I was doing so well and looking pretty good. But as soon as I got there and was surrounded by skinny girls and abundant mirrors it was plainly obvious that I was NOWHERE NEAR where I want to be. Just fat disgusting arms reflected back at me every which way I looked.

Ugh, if I'm not below 59 in the morning I think I'll crawl down the drain and die.

Frightened

I'm starting to get really worried that I'm going to permanently mess up my metabolism and that I'm committing myself to a lifetime of extreme restriction or weight gain.

I read others' blogs who are eating way less than me and aren't losing. I'm really scared to weigh, but I will step on the scales tomorrow morning and hopefully be below 59kg (130lbs). I can't wait to be 55. God I never ever ever want to be fat again.

I just really hope my metabolism holds out... I'm going to push myself at the gym tonight, lots of weights. Does anybody know any other ways to stop your body fighting against you?

Shit, I'm hungry.