You all mean so much to me it feels pointless to attempt to describe it. I guess you all know it because we're all in it together. We have a collective misery. Still, on those rare instances when we experience some collective joy it all becomes worth it.
I'm beginning to accept that this may be forever.
Friday night was awful. I went out to a hospital-doctory-after-work-drinks function thing. I generally avoid that crowd because I find it loathsome. Then again, I find social situations loathsome in general and for that reason it's been a long time since I have really been out. But particularly with "med people". Friday night though I decided to try, because I don't want to die alone in a cat-riddled hermitage. I don't feel thin, I still see the same thing in the mirror that I've always seen, just with a few more bones. So I become complacent about the fact that I have lost a significant amount of weight which has some shock value for people who haven't seen me in a while.
So despite the enormity of the throng of people there I still managed to be greeted by strange looks, concerned whispers and general discomfort among my peers. I hate that. HATE it. People expect me to be fat, so they are surprised by me. I don't want people to EXPECT me to be fat! I want people to forget the fat me ever existed. I just want to be shiny new and lovely. Mesmerising, not controversial and disconcerting.
Still, I acknowledge that it has to happen. People will notice the change then hopefully gradually get used to it and forget I was ever any different. I can try to appreciate the concern. Blame it on my break up. Laugh it off. That was OK.
But then the atmosphere changed. Boys wanted me. Lots of them. Boys who never paid me any attention before. Boys I thought had been friends, who I had joked with and laughed with before. Nice boys. Sweet, kind boys. Not handsome or special, just the run of the mill decent guys I had known for a long time.
Now they were groping me. Grabbing me. Following me. Sending me lewd text messages from unknown numbers. Insulting, ugly, sexually explicit. Contemptuous and disrespectful, misogynistic. And I got progressively more drunk. Anxious. Really fucking panicky anxious. I wanted out. I felt sick. I felt revolting and obscene. There was stumbling and embarrassment and falling and fighting back tears, which led to the threat of "rescue". People trying to take advantage of me. Knowing it but feeling helpless to get away. Alone in a crowd of people who would maul me to death at any moment.
I sound so full of myself. It wasn't like that.
It was like being raped
By people I trusted
And the worst thing was that horrifying, sickening knowledge that the only difference to any other time was that now I am thin. Apparently concerningly thin. Probably too thin. Enough to raise eyebrows and insight gossip.
and
that
was
what
they
wanted
People will never ever ever accept you for who you are. They will hate and resent you in any form, and emotionally rape you when you are at your frailest and most vulnerable. You can gain weight and you will disgust them, you can lose weight and they won't care. They'll be attracted to your sadness and the ease with which they can tear you apart.
I was so angry and sad and hurt. AM so angry and sad and hurt. Disgusted. It is disgusting. I want to get thinner so they see how much they hurt me, but it won't work, they'll just hurt me more and strip me down until I am nothing.
I don't know who I do this for anymore
I don't know anything
I'm just weary and the world seems like a sad and hopeless place full of monsters
Except for you, my girls. Always there, genuinely caring. With a special and unique insight. Seeing the world for what it is and fighting it in the only way we know how. Against ourselves. Taking all that pain and hatred and casting it over our bodies. Hurting ourselves so deeply that we may become exquisitely beautiful.
I have been hazy for days. Now I have a million of your words to read and I don't want to miss a single one.
I love you
x
