53.3

Well, my weekend didn't hurt me all that badly! Phew!

PLUS (TMI warning) last night I took a few laxies and heaps of fibre supplement stuff and crammed myself full of dried fruit... and none of it has kicked in yet and I'm quite bloated. So once I've "offloaded" that I should weigh quite a lot less :)

Just had a small apple (50 cal) for breakfast and have a busy uni day ahead, so well on my way to a good 150 cal day. Wish me luck!

xx

Let's Get Lovely!

My hiatus went a day longer then anticipated.
And it didn't do much for mental health, just protracted my self-indulgent self-loathing. I thought eating normally would help, but I can't do that, remember?

So I ate and I puked and I sat and I stared and I ate and puked some more. My sister is onto me too, so then I ate and puked and stared and denied and denied and puked and denied and stared and hid away and felt helpless. It's no way to live.

So stuff it!
Stuff em!

I'm back in the game and tomorrow morning will be abc day 11, 150 cal, as though the last 3 days never happened. It's time to get lovely. I don't want to be this gross, flabby, over-emotional-slash-emotionless out-of-control mess anymore. It's time to get my pretty on!




Now I've also been thinking that I'm not actually enormously far off my maintenance weight. The problem is that I can't do maintenance, because I can't do normality. I don't want to yoyo between weight gain and binging and purging and restricting and shrinking and growing for the rest of my life. I need to LEARN to eat semi-normally. So I think I might need to throw in a couple of "practice maintenance" days into my abc here in there. Any thoughts?

Tomorrow morning I will weigh my self and assess the damage I've done.

Somebody to love

It seems everybody has a "new boy" at the moment, or a new boy who has progressed into just a "boy". I've been on my own now for about 5 weeks. Not a long time. But I think I've FELT on my own for at least a year. And so, so lonely.

Sometimes I think I'd quite like to have a new boy too. But I'm completely withdrawn. The thought of having to venture forth into the world and meet people is so... horrible. Daunting and confronting and exhausting.

I just want the feeling of lying with someone who loves me

Hiatus

52.3
Down almost a kilo (2 lbs)
The mark of a successful fast
And my BMI has just dipped below 19, which by most categories makes me officially underweight.

But god it was a struggle not to faint on my way from my bed to the scale.

And the mirror amazed me when I got back to my room.
Ribs
Hips
Bony chest
Flat stomach
My waist is down to 59cm (23 inches)
If I just ignored my arms and legs I'd actually be THIN

I should be elated!
But I just feel sick and terrified.
And my depression has become crippling. I can barely get out of bed. I can barely move. I'm holding onto this numbers game so desperately but everything else in my life is becoming an impossible and miserable struggle.

So I'm going to spend the weekend at my mum's.
I will eat.
I'm sorry girls.
Come Monday I'll get back on my game. Hopefully I won't have gained.

But I need to do this.

Thanks for your support and good luck
You are such fantastic and beautiful people. It's hard for you to see sometimes, but it's true.
All my love

Pasco
x

tick, tick, tick

Counting down the minutes til this day ends and my head hits the pillow


Because then I can sleep soundly in the knowledge that I've fasted the entire day

By the way...

... My blog was feeling dreary so I gave it a lil facelift.
Hope you still recognise me!!

simple as do re mi, ABC, 1 2 3, baby you and me girl!

OK, came unstuck a bit yesterday. Out of the blue lunch with the ex, after I'd already used up most of the days cals for breakfast. Rats! Lunch flicked my binge trigger and I was heading for panic mode but I managed to reign it in all afternoon. Stuffed myself stupid with frozen peas and diet ginger ale and tried not to think about chocolate. And you know what? I reckon I did pretty well under the circumstances. The day's tally came out to around 750 cals.

So it's basically my first FAIL day. But in the spirit of optimism and self-encouragement I'm going to call it a "metabolism building" day, in which I was proud of my battle against the binge. Making the best of a bad situation. Tick.

Today is 500 cal. Oh boy!

In other news, as I approach my goal I'm getting increasingly panicky about maintenance. It's as though I just KNOW I will get fat again. It's inevitable. I CAN'T DO moderation. Never could. It's why I got fat to begin with. I want to teach myself how. Eat well, eat beautifully, stay thin. But I'm not feeling it. I don't believe it. I will get complacent and balloon out. I don't want to be trapped in this crazy starvation life forever... but if I stop I'm fucked.

Peace out
Pasco
x

Unattainable

I'm doing so well at the moment
Getting close to my goal
And I'm feeling strong enough to get there and stay there

But I still feel down in the dumps because the damage I've done to my body by being fat is irreversible.

I will never look perfect no matter how much weight I lose, because
I have stretch marks all over my hips and thighs
My boobs are saggy and deflated and ugly
My skin is limp and loose

And maybe it will all improve a little with time, but never enough.
Ugly scars reminding me of how disgusting I was and could easily be again.



Thank you girls all so much for your lovely comments! It's an honour that you can find some hope or inspiration from my blog xx

Dream Run

My GOODNESS was I close to quitting last night.
SO close.
My sister made the most delicious smelling dinner...
...and I was poised with my plate and my serving spoon was in the pot

On the brink
And something stopped me

This morning I was rewarded with 53.2 kg (117 lbs)
I was saying before that I should raise my goal from 49 kg to 53 kg so that I can allay the fears of my friends and family for a while. But with this dream run still catapulting along it would be a horrible waste to quit now. I have to keep going...

Today is day 7 of the abc. The end of week 1. I'm so pleased I've made it this far. I had a boiled egg and some berries for breakfast, 150 cal, so I have another 150 cal left for the day. Quite tolerable really :)

All my love my beautiful, beautiful girls
Keep living the dream
We are the special ones
xx

Know when to hold em, Know when to fold em

This morning on the scales I was 53.6 kg (117.9 lbs).
So I think yesterday definitely deserves a tick. Ha.
How can I possibly quit when, as fat as I feel, the weight just melts off.
No plateau for me. Nup. I'm just melting away.

SO BE GRATEFUL PASCO YOU WHINY BITCH AND STICK TO YOUR GUNS!

Maybe I'll quit when I do hit a plateau. That may be by body telling me it's time. Or perhaps I'll never hit a plateau and keep going til I die.


Sorry to sound like it's all too easy when I know a lot of you girls are struggling for numbers. Lucky break. I hope you can get one soon too.

Lucky breaks all round!!

xx