Y B Thin?

1) Because it's hard, and I can, and most can't, and my friends will shit themselves with jealousy (cow, much?)

2) It's something to do. Something to think about. As though my life has some meaning or purpose. Like a strange, dissociative experiment... what will happen to me?

3) Being carried, cradled, lifted, lightweight, lovely.

4) And of course, above all, to be beautiful ...ethereal

Weak

Chocolate again.

Today's intake:
1/2 cup bran 100
1/2 cup raspberries 50
1/2 punnet strawberries 50
Easter bunny 500

That easter bunny plagued me all day. Thinking about it. Picturing it. Trying to rationalize including it in my intake. Eventually eating it. Then as soon as it was swallowed, accepted, my boyfriend proposed pizza. The thought of it drove me mad. I wanted nothing more. I wanted pizza so badly. I resisted, but the guilt of it still hung over me and I purged as much bunny as I could. I got up maybe half. Impossible to say really. I never intended to. But suddenly I HAD to.

The saddest part is it was delicious on the way up too.

On the upside I managed to palm off the rest of my easter chocolate on others. So now there's no crap left in my fridge or my house.

Now it won't plague me any more and I can move on.

Estimated overall daily calories: 500

Strong

I caved and ate 150cal of chocolate.

I didn't even want it, was just shoving it my mouth and I couldn't figure out why, I just felt so useless.

Then I said, "darling, you can let chocolate have power over you, or you can get into your car, drive to the gym, burn that shit off and take the control back youself"

So I burnt that chocolate off thrice over.

So far, So ok

My smoothie tastes like crap
But I've stuck to it for breakfast and lunch
I think I'll shove dinner's portion down the sink
Blech
I'd rather have nothing!

Meant to work out today but had a hideous headache and feeling nauseated. There's still a little time left in case I feel better but can't see it happening. Still, I'm counting on keeping it a < 200cal day, so it's not a terrible disaster.

But what on earth will I do tomorrow? I can't face another smoothie. Even if I improve the ingredients I just feel so put off after today. I think I used too much celery...

Weighed this morning at 58.2kg (128lbs)
Not the worst gain in the world and I think a lot of it was bloat weight.
Still... on the back of the success of the 1 week mini challenge I'm not going to weigh until next Wednesday morning and see if I've shaken it off by then. So I'm determined to NOT EAT for the rest of the week.

I'm really struggling though.
I think I can get through tonight fine but oh oh oh tomorrow...

Please, may I have breakfast?
Maybe just a little bran... and raspberries? 100cal

Then lunch just some carrot and celery
and a pear 50

I could stick to that...
Maybe half a can of tuna too 50

Only 200... that's not much... really...
I just want to be empty
But I c.a.n't.

stem the calorie tide

Right, Pasco, slowwwwwww down.
Screw you Easter... You can't beat me!
I'll find salvation in a RIGID MEAL PLAN!

OK, I don't think I can fast. Yet. But I can definitely make myself a big smoothie to split between breakfast, lunch and dinner. I really want to try my first salt water cleanse but I'm getting up at 5am each day to get to uni as it is... there's no way I'll have time in the mornings. But if I can just wean my intake down over the rest of the week, try to water fast on Friday then salt water flush Saturday morning.

OK... so I'll blend up my smoothie tonight ready for tomorrow.
So that should be:

1 small banana 80cal
1 large apple 100cal
2 sticks celery 0cal
1/2 cup raspberries 40cal
H20

Total: 220cal

I can supplement this with a couple more carrot & celery sticks which I'll take to uni to stop my stomach rumbling too loudly. Does anyone know how to shut it up? I find my noisy stomach is a dead giveaway when I'm restricting!

Plus tons of green tea, psyllium, water and caffeine pills

Anyway, if I can stick to that tomorrow I'll be under 250cal and back on top of my game in no time.
Wish me luck... I certainly need it!!

xx

SOMEBODY SLAP ME

help
help
HELP

I can't get back in control!!!!!

All it took was a little bend in the road and all my hard work is starting to come undone and I CAN'T stop eating!!!! I need to fast or something. But I never have before and I don't know how and I'm FREAKING out.

Easter Grossness and Sneaking Suspicions

So much food. All bad.

My immaculate fridge now bursting with chocolate.
So is my belly.

I don't even crave it, but I can't throw it away...
... because I am weak weak weak.

I'm thinking of scoffing the lot and then purging it.
Stupid I know.
I just can't have it there gradually working it's way into my intake over the next week or so and slowly but surely fucking up every single day.
I'd rather have one MASSIVE fuck up and get it over with.

But then... the suspicion is starting
Am I being paranoid?
I feel like people have mentioned the word "bulmimia" a million times around me. Jokes or comments about it. Sidelong glances. "Just don't run to the toilet to stick your finger down your throat after"...

Are they kidding?? I thought I had been discreet! Quiet! Do I smell? Did someone find my blog? Shit. Fuck.

Questions, comments about my weight. It's not like I'm ACTUALLY thin. Just not quite as fat. Please, just give me that! I don't want to be fat anymore.

aaaaaaaaaaaaarghh

Competition Weigh In

Saturday morning comes along a little earlier in Australia :)

I'm not sure if this little competition is even happening anymore (Lulu, Savory, Harlow?) but I found it pretty useful motivation anyway and have restrained from weighing myself all week.

And I was so pleased to wake up this morning and get to weigh, then FREAKED OUT when I stood in front of the scales. What if I gained??????? Took me about 10 minutes just to step on!

But:

Start Weight: 58.4 kg (128.5 lbs)
Finish Weight: 57.1 kg (125.6 lbs)

Yay! Not groundbreaking but nearly 3 lbs in a week is great for me. Particularly given my picnic disaster last weekend and how heavy I've been feeling the last few days. So nice to know that starving yourself and exercising like a maniac doesn't let you down.

Sweet relief!!

Hope you other girls did well too xxxxx

Taking the cake...

So my plan for the day was coming along nicely. 200 cal down by mid afternoon and I was confident I could go to bed on that.

Then my delightful cousin who I love called to tell me she'd made cupcakes and was coming by to share her wares.

Horror of horrors!

Hmmmm thunk I, what was the highest number of cals likely to be in a cupcake? Maybe 500? So I raced to the gym and burnt off at least that.

Cupcake arrived, smaller than I'd anticipated (good), maybe 400 cal max.

So all in all it probably worked out better to have eaten it and worked out than to have stuck to the original plan and done neither.

So today's calories, 200 + 400 - 500 = 100!
Pretty darn good
Annnnnnd it was delicious :)

Magic Capsules

woahhhhhh!!!!

Had one of my new diet pills with my 100cal breakfast this morning at 6am.
Normally I'm starving by about 10am and I curb it with a raw fruit/veg lunch around 12.

But... come 10 oclock... not a peep from my tum
Not hungry at all
Walking home for lunch, past the bakery, not even tempted, past the Japanese place, not a chance, past the deli, please are you kidding me? NOT HUNGRY!

So I sat down to my carrot, celery and pear at 12...
Could only eat half!

So so so so fantastic :)
I'll have the other half for dinner and hopefully it'll just be a 150-200cal day!