Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Just stop fucking around with this disease!
There is no glory in this disease
There is shame and disgust and hate
I dreamed one night that I was sticking my fingers so far down my throat that I could reach my hand into my stomach and gently scoop all the hurt away
I scream tears down the phone and hope that somebody will save me
Every day I start again
And try SO HARD
To win my life back
I don't think that this is "cool"
This is sad
I am a bright, pretty, talented 24 year old doctor and I hate myself so much that I torture myself every night until my throat bleeds and I have haemorrhages in my eyes
This is so SO sad
And so we laugh about it.
OK?
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What can I say?
ReplyDeleteI am SICK of this ignorance.
It makes me so angry, every time I read another 'anonymous'.
You clearly don't read Pasco's blog and you clearly have NO idea of what hell is.
Pasco, I have nothing else to say, other than you have my love, you always do,
Ophelia xx
those "anonymous" out there do not understand, they judge because we put on a smile to try and make it through another day. a smile does not mean we are ok though anonymous, neither does a laugh.
ReplyDeletetake care Pasco, you have much going for you.
xo
Dear Pasco,
ReplyDeletePlease, please get help. I wish your mum had done something when you told her. If GPs and psychologists aren't working, what about a treatment centre? Somewhere where you can take time off, where there won't be binges because your meals are planned, and hopefully no purges too because there'll be someone with you.
It's taken you so long to get to where you are now. I always look at doctors/seniors who have graduated from medical school and wonder when my turn will come, whether I'll get through the next few years. Don't let bulimia rob you of what you've earned so painstakingly.
Lots of love, and lots of hugs,
Blue Butterfly.
They should count themselves lucky they don't understand.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you have to go through this, and that people just try to make it harder.
You don't deserve it.
Love x
as if you need anonymous to remind you to stay far away from this disease, don't they read the shame we feel when we give in? there is nothing about this that is pretty
ReplyDeleteI can't understand posting comments as anonymous - grow some balls kids
Just change your comment settings so you don't accept anonymous comments, and everything has to be approved.
ReplyDeleteDon't deal with them.
Don't subject yourself to that.
There is nothing glorious about this. I've said it myself. It's like watching a monk light themselves on fire and idolizing their strength, so you light yourself on fire in tribute. It's a morbid thing, to glorify the death of another. Much less to die as well in their name.
All the care of the world, all the idle worship, all the strange obsession, is utterly meaningless, if you're dead.
Have you gone into therapy? Not even treatment, just found someone who you can talk to? I think it would help.
I wish I lived closer to you. I wish I could reach through the phone, or the internet, hug you, and save you the way you need to be saved. Cold font on a cold screen can only provide so much comfort, no matter how warm the intent behind the sentences may be.
Please at least just smile once today, and really mean it.
I'll be smiling for you.
Be strong, love.
Not just in control of your food, but in your will, as well. I believe in you.
And I'm proud of you.
You've made it this far.
You'll make it farther.
And if you make the choice, you can live, and be happy.
You just have to choose if you want to live or die. And I think when the time comes down to it, you'll make the right one. YOu've been burning too long for the flames to be cast in vain.
YES. sometimes laughing about it is the only thing to do. sometimes i think laughing is so much closer to crying than we realize. i keep waiting for someone to save me, for something to save me, relying on benzos to make me not care. but it's such an endless battle, all the time, with ourselves, let alone with other people who have other thoughts about it.
ReplyDeletei wish my mouth wasn't rotting. i wish i could eat just one slice of bread and not nine. i wish you could realize how amazing you are. i wish we could be treated with the respect and dignity that we deserve - not that we think we deserve, but that we actually do deserve.
because we are better than this disease, we really are. so i'm telling myself. i just wish i knew how to stop it.
all i can give you is love, soul mate. you are so beautiful and amazing and strong and someday when i give that to you you'll be able to accept it. in the mean time, despite the continents between us, i am here.
xx x
Dear Pasco, I know this hell. Ophelia you are a total bitch saying those things and assuming I don't. I am not ignorant to these things, to this life. But Pasco Rose you are like an addict. And you DON'T want to stop. Why won't you stop? Would you please just stop this stupidity. It's not making you thin. It's only making you sad. Fat. A messy pile of stale sick.
ReplyDeleteIf you only tried... you would have my respect.
But you don't: t r y
And that disgusts me
all of us