It is as I expected.
I still have the insight to appreciate having had nearly a full week of some kind of happiness. Even if it's over now. It was good enough to know there's purpose in trying to reclaim it.
One day.
All I can think about right now is how badly I want to starve myself stupid again. I'm having flashbacks of comments received at my thinnest
"Oh, you're even tinier than I realised"
"You really are very slim, aren't you"
"If I had your body I'd wear jeans all the time"
"I saw you walking down the street yesterday and I thought you were an angel"
and of course: "You're the prettiest girl I've seen in a long time"
What a thing to have thrown away!
Now I am overlooked and ignored. Palpably, painfully rejected. The bigger I get the less I become. And I feel so utterly insignificant.
I am glad you have been finding some happiness lately, but I know how chilling it is when you start to slip back under.
ReplyDeletePasco; as a reader for well over a year now, I think I am pretty qualified to say, you are anything BUT utterly insignificant.
I guarantee people would still say such lovely things about your personality and your mind and your compassion - and I also am certain you are still beautiful externally too, even if you imagine you are not.
love Ophelia xx
There never seems to be any actual reason to not strive for thin. All the things people say are more important than looks really don't mean anything when you can't face your own reflection.
ReplyDeleteSweetheart...I know exactly how you feel. It's if you had taken the thoughts out of my head (although you do a much better job putting the words together). But then again I'm not surprised at all. We seem to always be going through the same things together, which is why you and your blog have always been so special to me. Thank you for being so lovely.
ReplyDelete"What a thing to have thrown away!" I know. I hate myself so much for throwing away what I had. I say I'd do anything to get it back so why am I not making it happen?
I hope we can both get there again. And I think we'll get there eventually.
Just know that I haven't forgotten about you, although I don't leave comments often anymore. You'll always be my biggest inspiration and the first blogger I could ever really identify with.
xxx
damn that grey - just seems to be sucking the color out of life, doesn't it?
ReplyDeleteDon't let it, you can paint your own world & make it what you want
& if that's being stupid thin again, you could find a way back
your beautiful where it counts
ReplyDeleteyour soul shines through your posts they keep many of us strong
i know what you are going through and grey becomes black or white depends on how you change it.
youll reach your goal one day just stay strong!
the happiness, unfortunately, never lasts.
ReplyDeleteI am glad you recieved it though, for such a long time :)
don't feel bad about yourself lovely, you are beautiful. you need to believe it.
I hope you're alright, x.
"And I feel so utterly insignificant."
ReplyDeleteWell said, my dear. Because isn't that what it's really all about?
you. make me
ReplyDeletesick
"hungry for something that i can´t say
ReplyDeleteand the colours
fade to grey"