Drifter

About a week ago I decided not to eat anymore. I'm not entirely sure why.

I mean, I wish desperately to be tiny and emaciated, but I don't think that's the only reason. I know eating disorders are generally about control, and while I'm sure there's an element of this in me, that's not quite it either.

I honestly don't understand it. My rational internal monologue says that it's OK, that I'm not that horribly fat, that awfully out of control, that foul or terrible or disgusting a person. I even believe it, mostly. But then something deep deep inside has just said no. No food.

And it's been so easy! I'm shocked. I don't want to eat, I don't crave anything, I just feel slightly emptier each day, like I'm slipping away, and it feels fantastic. I'm forcing myself to ingest the barest minimum because I'm a medic and I know I need to. But I suddenly feel full on a stick of celery and a small plum feels like a meal.

I know it will change. I've felt myself drift down similar paths before and there's always a binge or an occasion that breaks the spell. For a long time I've perused others' blogs and I've always wanted to share the support of like-minded people whose pursuits match my own. I feel like I can do it. To become ethereal...