matter of balance

I approached the scales this morning with great trepidation, but at 51.7 kg I was pleasantly surprised. Things seem pretty static. I'm ecstatic. Well, not ecstatic, but if I can stick to this plan and not gain any weight I will at least be relieved and satisfied. Hooray stasis! Plateau please, I welcome you. Not up, not down, and NOT CRAZY, just neatly balanced.

And speaking of balance, I've recently noticed a new measure of thinness. When I lie on my stomach, propped on my elbows, I notice that my weight is distributed across my hip bones and my lower ribs. My belly is somewhat spared. It's nice to feel your body being supported through your bones, like a tripod with 4 points. Which I know makes absolutely no sense because I tripod has 3 points but I don't know what the 4-pointed equivalent is. A quadpod? Hmmm


In other news I haven't been going to uni and doing any of my homework and I'm speeding towards an incredibly huge amount of trouble. And pain. And failure. I've been treading water just trying to get through each day lately and hanging out in hospital with dying old people and cruel consultants is just more than I can bear. Today it is suddenly collapsing on me in big fat wave of panic. I have to deal with this, and food is not the way to handle it. But I'm feeling pretty stuck. I just need to fucking do it but even thinking about it makes me want to put my head in the oven.

From now on until I'm not insane:

Breakfast: 200 cal carbs/fruit/egg
Lunch: Raw veg + 200 cal raw nuts/eggs/low fat cheese
Dinner: 200 cal fresh fruit/diet jelly
Snacks: Carrot/celery sticks

600 a day
Straightforward
Doable

A little normalcy? Here's hoping

Good girls don't swallow

I've kind of sort managed to stave off binging today, but I've chewed up and spat out an incredible amount of food. It's a good way to dispose of the cookies I'm continually baking. It is also giving me some valuable insight as to how voluminous a portion of food is once it's all slimy and masticated, which might prove useful for future purging.

I'm starting to go completely mad. I can't be rational anymore. I would happily stay at this weight forever. I'm close to my goal, I have bony hips I'm continually bruising and my ribs stick out. Things should be fine. But I CAN'T eat without binging. And then I will get fat. My only options are to keep starving and puking and work my way down to full blown diagnostic anorexia nervosa (which I'm only a couple of kilos away from) or get fat. That's it. I don't really want either option. I'm not pro-ana, I don't want to develop anorexia, but I reckon I'm teetering pretty close to it. I want to stabilise and eat normally and well and healthily, but lightly, and stay this size.

But food means panic. I've got in too deep and now I'm FUCKED. I'm seeing an ED therapist at the end of the month and I feel like I'm barely holding on trying to make it to the appointment. I WANT HELP. I want to be taught how to be rational and calm with food. And still in control. But it seems so far away and I'm going out of my fucking mind trying to make it through each day.

I saw my granny this afternoon, and she looked at me and said "you have lost weight, haven't you"... "mayyyybe"... "just don't let it go too far". And that was it. Not very interesting. But it was the way she said it, she knew, understanding not accusation, she could see through me. And I laughed.


I am in this strange, isolated, hysterical state of panic.

Nothing says self-sabotage quite like...

baking an entire batch of chocolate eclairs


My weekend can be summed up in one word: messy

To add a few more words it was a giant whirlwind of cream and fingers and smeared chocolatey face and stickiness and vomit and dizzy dizzy dizzyness. The memory is more like a dream now.

When you come in, you're in for good

There's no way out of here
When you come in
You're in for good

There was no promise made
The part you played
The chance you took

There are no answers here
When you look out
You don't see in

There's no way out of here
When you come in
You're in for good



I'm pretty sure David Gilmour was talking about heroin, but it wouldn't surprise me if he was actually referring to his life as a closet anorexic. This just came on my playlist and it resonated with my whole day's musings. I'm shocked at my ability to get so sick so fast. Sometimes my head feels clear and I feel so normal, but everything is different. Everything. There bloody well absolutely is no way out of here.

51.1kg (112.4 lbs) just then. But it's 5 o'clock in the arvo and I haven't had anything to eat or drink today. I was going to have a healthy dinner but now I'm not so sure. When you make it a whole day without feeling hungry or even thinking about food, why not make the most of it and starve on?

An anonymous hater?

Fuck me, man
Does this mean I've hit the big time?
Awesome

Hot Chocolate

I tsp cocoa powder
1 tsp splenda
1 pinch cinnamon
1/2 pinch nutmeg
1 drop vanilla extract
Hot water
Dash skim milk


20ish calories
Not totally fabulous, but not bad!

I was just experimenting
Trying not to binge
I'm going to though
I can tell
I can feel it
Eating away at me
But I'm putting it off...
and off...
as long as I can


EDIT:

Not very long

My throat is burning
My eyes are streaming
My mascara is on my cheeks
My nose won't stop running

If you could only bottle this feeling
And take a big whiff before the binge
You'd never ever do it

You never think it will be this bad

WHAT THE FUCK???

Shabby Shame

My dear anonymous commenter, thank you. You sounded like a bitch? No, not really. Most people would rather be obsequious than tell the truth. If you don't have anything nice to say, you should probably still say something. Otherwise you exaggerate people's self-esteem bias and contribute yet more arrogance to a race of assholes.

Besides, it was true. Mostly I just feel embarrassed to have posted those pictures at all. Talking myself up so much and then parading around like a fucking fool in itchy apricot polyester. God, I'd throw up a bit in my mouth if I'd eaten anything today.

It's funny how one negative comment can wash away a page of lovely ones (thanks so much girls, you made me smile) but it really hit close to home. I strive to present an easy elegance but have really just landed on a cheap, synthetic, 70s throwback form of shabby chic. Abhorrent. Ouch! You've pretty much just echoed my self doubt and amplified my self loathing.

In my own defense though, there was some lovely 1950s pink silk in the mix and that skirt is FUCKING AWESOME. With a 23inch waist. I can accept a difference of opinion.

Finally, I totally applaud you for having the balls to be mean. But come onnn? What WAS bitchy was doing it anonymously! BORRRRING!

Fuck I'm hungry
Fuck

fashion shoot

I know this is incredibly self-indulgent, but you asked for it, you got it.
A snap shot of Pasco's little life:


Only a remnant remains...

Fitting in

I have clothes.
Lots and lots of them.
I am a shopaholic and a hoarder.
I bleed money and accumulate things.
The older the better. The flouncier the better.
Beauty and history and old lady smell and old lady lace.


Anywho. Today I went through my extensive collection and started to try on things. It started with the things that used to be a teensy bit small. They fit. I suspected as much, but you have to start easy, don't you? Moved on to the things that used to be significantly too small. They fit. Wicked. I'd been hoping they might. It felt nice. Next I moved onto the amazing and incredible tiny little fragile pieces that would never-in-a-million-years fit me that I hold onto only for their artistic loveliness. They fit. Easily. I did not expect this at all. When I bought them I didn't think they would ever fit anybody!

Queue euphoric stupor

I'm fasting today and it's given me some serious motivation. Freaks me out how easy fasting is. So much easier than deciding what to eat. I have desperately wanted a crumpet with peanut butter for days. I even bought crumpets and peanut butter. But I can't eat one because I can't decide if the 200 calories is definitely better than 200 calories of something else. Does my head in. Eating nothing is so simple.

So here's to no food and fitting into things!