losing myself some more, or more of myself, or something

Ohhhhhhhh

I usually feel so much better when I'm restricting successfully. And I do. Feel better I mean. Just... not as good as I'd like. I'm questioning myself a lot. I worry that I'm going too far, but then I think that's ridiculous - I'm not even underweight.

I shared a change room with a friend today while out shopping. She has always been slightly smaller than me, but recently she has gained a tiny bit of weight and I have lost a heap, so now she's quite a lot bigger. I kept feeling as though I had to shield my body from her, hide the changes. I didn't want her to notice them, because she'd be jealous and hate me. Or think I was vain and hate me. Or just hate me.

And I can tell I'm becoming too obsessive. Today I ate nothing all day, then had 4 small chocolates for dinner. It was 100 cal day according to the abc (meaning I would allow myself 200 if desperate) and I figured I'd come out at around 150. But then I checked the nutritional info on the chocolate box (after... idiot) and it was more like 220. 220, when I was allowed to have 200. That's not bad. 220 cal in a day is absolutely stuff all. But I've spent hours trying to deliberate whether to admit my failure on this blog, whether to tick off the day or not, whether to try and purge...

It's fucking crazy. My head feels clear but I think I'm losing it.

I wonder if I should quit the abc. I almost feel like I'm doing too well. Which is pretty ridiculous. I honestly think I went into it anticipating I'd fail. But now that I've got a few days under my belt I've encountered this incredibly stubborn side of myself that is steadfastly committed. It scares me. I actually think that if I make it through 50 days I will alienate everybody in my life. I want to quit. To start to up my intake and be normal and healthy and try to stick to this weight.

But I don't want to lose the feeling of power this gives me. Let go of the one thing I'm good at. And I DO want to be thinner. I just don't know if it's a good idea

I just... don't... know

54.1kg (119 lbs)

FIVE

Poo bum
100 cal day today
I'm terrified

54.3kg (119.5 lbs) yesterday morning. Which means my BMI has just inched under 20 for the first time ever. It's nice :)

I don't want to weigh this morning because I'm sure it will probably be up again. I did well yesterday... I just... you know...

DID IT!

Trying to ration out my 300 calories for the afternoon was just too difficult, so instead I just didn't eat. Which means day 3 of ABC, 0 calories!

I think it is the first day of my entire life where I have eaten absolutely nothing. I have officially fasted. I feel so dizzy it is fucking great!

2.30pm ABC day 3 going strong

Need I say more?
My first two (official) days went to plan
Today is day 3 and so far I haven't touched a calorie! I'm wondering if I should have my 300 over the rest of the day, or maybe try and hold out then call it a fasting day! I don't want to push myself because I know I'll just cave and fail, but maybe I could trade this for a fast day later on...

Who am I kidding? I'm already starting to think about food. It just seems like it would be easier to eat nothing than to try to stick to 300.

I'd also desperately like to go visit my mum, I love her so much and we get along so well. But going to my parents' house means food, lots of it. Their kitchen is packed with junk. And there would be dinner. And even though they don't really push me to eat, I've grown to associate their house with eating and it's a huge binge trigger for me. Which invariably means locking myself in the shower and vomiting afterward then spending the rest of the time trying not to pass out. It's so sad, because I'd love to see them but I know it would spell disaster. It's more important that I stick to the program, particularly in these first few days while I'm getting used to restricting properly again.

I'm pretty pathetic
I'm 23 and I miss my mummy :(
Just so desperate for support

back in the swing of things

Day 1 done and dusted... Finally a little success!
500 cal again tomorrow and then things start to get serious.

I decided to add a few rules to modify the program so I don't fail again. Firstly I'm going to give myself 100 cal leeway, on any days when I feel I need them except for fasting days. That makes it a little more flexible for me and hopefully will serve to mediate my binges. I'm also going to allow myself an extra 200 cal for any day where I fit in a significant workout (again fasting days excluded). All calories (solid, liquid and... gas?) will be counted except for those in raw veg - they are my super safety foods and if you take them away from me I'll suffer.

Oh, and finally, the occasional slip up WILL be tolerated, but will be harshly punished with running!

Results

Many thanks comrades for your votes!

I think the general consensus is...
Wait for it...

DO OVER!!

"Plough on" was a very close second, but "do over" means I get to start back on a 500cal day which is fractionally easier than the 300 I'd be moving onto. Tut tut Pasco, your strategies reflect your weakness.

Now, yesterday doesn't count either because that was poll day and I couldn't possibly make a decision before I had the results (also, it doesn't count because I ate lots of popcorn at the movies) ;)

But here I am this morning, halfway trough the big bottle of salty water that is going to mark the cleansing start to my 50 days of relative emptiness!


So raise a salty glass

Viva la fat revolution!

I SUCK - so now what, kids?

How the hell can you fail on day 1???
I mean, seriously, it's a 500cal day! That's not even hard! That's basically what I was eating before I even decided to embark on this abc thing... jeeeeeeeesus

Wagged uni all day, ate fine, doing great, had Faz77 for support (Farah, don't read this, OH THE SHAME) but crumpled last night. I'm usually not even that bad in the evenings! I had about 2/3 of a tub of icecream (2L tubs, yay Australia) in the freezer, and binge/purge/binge/purge/binge/purged my way through the whole thing.

Then I tried to go to bed but I was a bleery teary sobby slobby mess and I couldn't sleep. So when the ex (recent ex) sent me chirpy message I told him I felt bad and he came by with cake and cuddles. He had about 2 bites of the 2 person sized bit of cake and I gobbed up the rest, 'tween sniffles.

But I felt much better afterward.
Something sort of clicked back into place.
He went home and I nodded off.

Still, Pasco is a weakling! What gives? I'm back in that nasty out of control seriously miserably horribly god I don't even know how to finish this sentence place. This morning I'm feeling a little more myself. Time for a do over?



Soooo I thought I'd take a poll (albeit one with a very small sample size)

Votes please on Pasco's new plan:

a) Do over for sure, day 1 again, this time do it right
b) Plough on, day 2, as though day 1 never happened
c) Are you kidding, you clearly aren't ready for this! Quit!
d) Try and eat normally, save yourself!
e) Compensate with a good hard fast, loser

Or if you can think of a better option for the list, alternative answers will be accepted.

Battered, Bruised, Broken

Does anybody have a problem with bruising?

Since I started losing weight I have noticed that I've been bruising more easily. It started out on my squishy spots, particularly my thighs, and anywhere you tend to bump, like shins and hips. Normal places for bruises, but I notice I have WAY more than anybody else I know, or just looking around at other people. My legs are RIDDLED with them. Most disturbingly, they don't really hurt - there's no obvious precipitating injury - they just pop up out of nowhere.

I had a blood test several weeks ago which showed that my platelets (the cells in your blood responsible for clotting) were low, but not hugely so, and a repeat blood test showed them to have come back up again to the lower end of normal.

More recently it's been getting even worse. And in strange places. My lower back is a blotchy mess of bruises, and they've started appearing on my chest. I have a couple on my bum too. I'm starting to wonder if my bony areas are bruising more easily as the fat layer begins to reduce. But it's crazy! And much skinnier girls than me don't seem to have bruises like this!

So... is this common to you girls too?


As for the ABC, I think it's now or never. I'm single and at uni, so there should be minimal interference. If I can manage 50 days (I'm a little dubious) I should be around where I want to be to start maintaining my weight. I think I will stick to the ascribed calories in the main part, but perhaps go over in the event that I have to do things with other people and get pressured to eat. After which I'll try not to let too much purging creep into the plan.

Day 1
ready
steady
GO!

ABC

... here we goooooooo