lament

I thought running would make my day easier.
So terribly wrong. I was a mess.

My mind was so fragmented and hyper-irritable, driven to raging, screaming madness by the tiniest noise. Any interruption to my rambling ruminating internal dialogue was completely unbearable, intolerable. Trying to contain it and not let it escape in bursts of hatred towards those around me. Fuming, distant, withdrawn. Holding on, holding it in. At the same time just so achingly exhausted. Unable to do anything, not wanting to do anything, but frightened by the depths of meaninglessness and boredom. Panicked. Nothing much went wrong but everything felt wrong.

Just biological. Physiological. This must mean I'm starving. This is what happens to brains when they start to starve. Burnt out and brittle and hungry.

And it says to me, over and over, EAT AND THROW UP
do it
do it
do it
DO IT and until you do it I will not remit, I will not relent

But I didn't do it and I'm hurting inside and outside from fighting it. I want this day to end. I have done "so well" but every ounce of my fortitude has been expended beyond all possible capacity to get here. Still I have resisted my helpful tablets but if I am to survive tomorrow I feel there is no choice. I can't go it alone.

This is HARD
I forget how hard this is