I haven't eaten since the park.
Coming on for 48 hours. The longest I've fasted. And again, sort of accidentally. It happens insipidly and easily. Once I realise I haven't eaten for a while I figure I may as well just keep going. And when the morning sickness that usually hits me after day one doesn't hit me, I figure I may as well just keep going.
I may as well just keep on going
The sickness is hitting me now. I can't stand up without fainting. I do love that feeling, but it has become beyond practical. My limbs move slowly, my head is fuzzy and kind of euphoric. My heart rate is down around 44. That's some serious bradycardia right there. I'm freezing. Painfully numbingly freezing. I can't feel my feet. The whole thing is rather nice. A slow and surreal state of dreaminess.
I'd like to just keep on going. And going. And melt away to nothing. But there's a binge in my mind that's creeping in at the edges. And a wisp of rational thought fighting with the forces of starve and binge that says "eat a healthy meal, your body is sad and hungry".
I am tense and poised. To starve? To eat? To binge?
I can't decide.
I really can't even move.
I wish I could know that feeling, but I've never gotten there before the pain does.
ReplyDeleteIt might help stave off the binge, and help the heart, to have some Gatorade. Dilute it at first (half water, half Gatorade) or you will get sick. Or use any drink high in electrolytes. That will help with your heart. That's the only part that has me really, really concerned.
Be strong, but don't let yourself get hurt, ok bb?
I have been bindging too often that I haven't had that feeling in so long. I envy you.
ReplyDeletewhile stoked for you thus far, i'm worried for the recoil from this... you know you have to break it at some point so better to do it on your terms and while you are still feeling like a success than lose control the moment you give in to your hunger/cravings.
ReplyDeleteAnd would you just come and live in the spare room in our appartment please?! we can find you some exotic no cal beverages and work in the english and australian bars respectively. i dont see any holes in the plan personally...xx
i KNOW that you are thinking about chocolate toast if you haven't eaten it already. i know because i too am thinking about your chocolate bread! holy crap! i need to know more about that stuff! please, i want a detailed report! which means, of course, that you cannot eat it in a frenzy. ok?
ReplyDeletealso thanks to your beautifully written post, i am picturing you like a jaguar, crouched and poised in the corner with your tail swishing back and forth and just waiting for the right moment to pounce on that pile of bingey foods. i want to add a nature documentary voiceover (imagine David Attenborough): Hidden amongst the dense foliage of clutter and debris of the bedroom, the lone pasco jaguar stalks her prey, sometimes lying in wait for hours at a time, with only her ears twitching. she is careful not to make a sound, as the chocolate bread is always tensed for danger and should she fail in this attempt, she is not likely to find another meal today.
it is kind of an awesome picture. but while she is waiting and watching, maybe the lone pasco jaguar should drink some electrolytes before she pounces? she does not want to end up in the park again with tachycardia, does she?
LOVE LOVE LOVE you. i know you are jaguar but try not to kill ALL the pastries in the herd :D
xxx
Hehe, Anise's comment made me smile. But she is right and Lulu too. End the fast on your terms and maybe try not to think too much about your upcoming "binge"?
ReplyDeleteIf you are sure that you will binge then you most likely will. Like you said, it's amazing how powerful our minds are. So, no binge for Pasco, only control. Because she can. Depite what she thinks. She can.
I love the feeling. light, dizzy, faint.
ReplyDeleteit's the only time I'm properly happy.
you can do this. I know you can.
I totally know that feeling but along with it the terrifying thought that just one bite of anything will lead to an all out binge and REMORSE! When I get too hungry (like my body is screaming at me-TRUE hunger as opposed to appetite) the thought of food numbs my mind, my body-it's all out WAR! And the winner gets the ultimate prize: CONTROL.
ReplyDeleteGO FIGHT WIN WIN WIN PASCO!!
PASCO the GREAT!!
XO
I'm a day late, but I think you're right. Why should I feel ashamed of doing what makes me feel better?
ReplyDeleteAnd your comment about eating more to make puking worthwhile... I laughed out loud. Pure poetry.
Anyway, I have no advice. I no longer think I know anything. Gatorade's probably a good idea if you continue to fast, though. Something about electrolytes.
i am actually SO relieved to hear that the choco-bread was utter SHITE because now there is one less food item in the world that i will feel it my personal duty to track down and devour. why am i compelled to do such things? is it really my obligation to eat that pumpkin cream cheese muffin just because i feel a psyonic personal connection to their brothers, the chocolate cream cheese muffins? is it really my duty to visit every bakery in los angeles in order to find a source of real pumpernickel bread? can i not just sit in my apartment all day long and eat peanut butter and cucumbers? WHAT IS WRONG WITH US?
ReplyDeletegoodonya (i don't know how you spell that down under but i know that you say it! don't deny it!) for drinking an electrolyte shake!! i am very glad about that and about my veggie day inspiring you to avoid nasty disappointing chocolate toast! that shit was too good to be true anyway. (i hope you can ignore my giant pumpkin cream cheese muffin around which the rest of my veggies are revolving today. i have already explained my reason for consuming this despite its obscene number of calories.)
anyway, i will be eating beets and feta later! woooooo!
YAY shamelessness!
xx
that sounds like such a beatiful state to be in. keep up your strength. people like you inspire mine =)
ReplyDeleteEMPTINESS IS STRENGTH
xoxo
-Strength
Oh, how wonderful. How really really wonderful. I remember that feeling. I remember it well. I miss it in fact. Pasco, you inspire. I'm going on a fast. A lovely lovely fast which will thin me up and take my mind off of that dreaded C_______e. Thank you so much.
ReplyDeleteCan I be jealous and concerned at the same time? I think that's justifiable.
ReplyDeleteI miss fasting and dizzy spells... maybe I just miss knowing I can do it.
Well done on the self control front though. Know your limits but remember how grand you did on saying "no" during this time :)
i ask myself these questions way too often.
ReplyDeletesubconsciously i know i should starve, but i want to eat, but don't, and then i get irrational and binge, and then i feel horrible and starve.
oh. it is so frustrating! :)