eeeeeurrrgh
SCREW THIS SHIT
My stomach is so distended I can't stand up straight. It hurts. Oh god it really really hurts. I've hit the 3rd day of a some serious bulimic behaviour, binged and purged fine this morning, but this evening BANG. Like a brick wall. Gag gag gag retch spit gag and NOTHING. This seems to be the new routine. After 3 days of crazy eating and puking my body says "no" and I have to digest a monumental binge. Which shakes me into starvation for the next 4 or 5 days. Then that nagging voice gets into my ear and it drags me kicking and screaming to the supermarket and blows all my money on a new cycle of binging.
And I'm getting fatter. I haven't been able to weigh myself since I've been away. About a month. But the gap between my thighs has been steadily narrowing and by morning I just know they'll be squished back against each other once more. FUCK.
I WOULD KILL TO JUST BE ABLE TO THROW UP
Not an inspiration today ladies, just a fat tragic loser
oh god i know how that is. Doing good, doing good, then bam. Binge, binge binge. And it sucks coz i get back to normal after a few days and somehow that makes me think that it's okay coz i get away with it.... eh. Sucks. I hate when i dream about food...
ReplyDeletewe all have days like this, don't worry, just pick yourself back up, as hard as it seems, you can do it.
ReplyDeleteI have a voice in my head too, sometimes I think I'm going insane.
Don't worry hun! I know you'll be okey. And I have to say I am sooo glad you're back. Missed you so much! I feel more secured when you're around..
ReplyDeleteSending love & strenght!
Oh I feel so sorry for you!! I know exactly what you are going through... last night I dreamt I ate a whole punch of pancakes! I was so desperate cause at the same time I was eating I wanted to stop "It's bad for you,stop it!!!" I was thinking in my head and then I couldnt purge because my family was around...V.v fortunately it was all a dream.. YOu will gian your strength back and do twice as well as before ! xx
ReplyDeleteWELL I@M GLAD YOU CANT BECAUSE IF YOU COULD THEN YOU WOULDNT LEARN WHY YOU SHOULDNT BE DOING IT.
ReplyDeletewe all need reminding why we cant just eat like this all the time - my horrible decrepit mouth has meant that i have been eating like i would if i was gonna purge, but havent been able to because of throat issues. And i'm gonna be heavier AGAIn tomorrow. but maybe then i'll think twice about shovelling if i cant get it up...
I love you and i know how much this feeling hurts. I'm sorry you have to deal with it. Try using your stomach muscles? lean right over with your legs straight, push really hard into your stomach and focus on contracting your stomach like you're pushing it back up, reverse swallowing if you will (thats how i do it all the time). I know that suggestion will probably reach you too late, so i hope you are feeling better by morning,
...bright side - you'll be motivated to stay on track for the next couple of days, meaning you'll be at your least bloated, puffy, water retention-y when you get HOME. xxxxxxxxxx
Not a tragic loser.
ReplyDeleteYou've lost control. It's so hard. Maybe you should just try getting it back by eating instead of starving. Starving always leads to binges. Eat a small amount every two hours, even if it is a higher range of calories, and don't let yourself throw up. You have to get control of yourself again. You can do it. Control is what we're in this for. Control is what stops us from getting fat, and what keeps us thin. Don't let yourself fall into the cycle of binge and purge because it won't do anything but spiral you further out of control.
You're stronger than this, and I have faith in you. I know you can do it.
Get back control, and then focus again on restricting, if you can.
I'm worried about you.
You are alright, girl.
ReplyDeleteTomorrow is a new day, k?
<3 Stay strong.
I feel for you girl but
ReplyDeletewhere there's a will there is a way!
You can do it. Oh wait-you HAVE done it! So you know exactly what you need to do. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and do what you know works for you.
Do whatever makes you happiest Pasco because you deserve it!
Luv~n~Hugs over to ya!
XO
*hugs*
ReplyDeleteYou are none of those things. Just knowing that you are back makes me feel so much better. Everything will turn around... I'm thinking about you, and I love you like you can't imagine.
I've had to sit and digest horrible binges, and you'll get through it, it's terrible. I know everything must be stressful, but try to focus on slowly getting that control back, I know you have it... you're stronger than me. You're my inspiration. And I'm not going to stop being inspired by you.
All my love and affection and support and everything and everything!