and it makes me cry

sometimes I see things that are so beautiful

that all I can feel is deep and overwhelming sadness.

because
it's art
just an illusion
but I want to live within it
always








visceral
mindnumbing
pain

fail

Lucky Break

56.5kg (124.3lbs) this morning.
I've been so terrible lately but I feel like I've been lucky... the weight hasn't leapt on yet... a few days grace... a free pass...

SO DON'T SCREW IT UP

It's Wednesday morning, 6.30am, gotta get up and go to uni. And today I am going to be a good good good girl!



Up and at 'em

Maybe then I'll fade away and not have to face the facts...

...it's not easy facing up when your whole world is black





Can't break out of this abyss. Mood swings, panic stations, food. NO CONTROL
I mean how hard can it be to just not eat something? Hand to mouth to chew to swallow. Just no. Why not just say no?

Still, I can't keep going like this

I spent a fortune at the supermarket today. I bought "healthy normal person good food" things like grainy bread and reduced fat cheese. I think I need to try and go on a "healthy normal person good food" diet for a while. I don't want to be a normal healthy person FAT COW but I need to at least stabilise a bit. Just have to stop crazy binging. And if I can stabilise around 800-1000 cal a day for a while, then I can start tapering it off again and get back to some good restricting.

But I also bought a whole bunch of antacid tablets and sugarfree sports drinks and low fat chocolate icecream. I figure if I'm going to binge, at least I have a harm minimisation strategy in place. Antacids first, easily purged icecream second, electrolyte replacing sports drinks and more antacids to finish... I have no idea if the antacids or sports drinks will actually do anything to protect my body... does anyone know of anything else?

Shit, now I have this fridge full of food and I'm hungry but NOW the eat-a-phobia has finally kicked in and I'm terrified to put anything in my mouth.

all I did today was

eat
eat
eat
eat
eat
eat

...usually I get all antsy and anxious and have to purge, but I couldn't even be bothered. Just kept going. And could NOT get full. Just blargh.

JUST BLARGHH

I should go weigh myself but I'll probably keel over with horror

Ah well, uni tomorrow. Gotta keep busy, shrink my tummy up, get my hungry on, ohhhhh I wanna feel hungry again SHIT SHIT BLARGHHHHHHH

WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING????

bitch whore cow

It's been 9 days now since my boy and I broke up.
The first person I told was my best friend, via sms.
She never replied.

I thought, OK, there's a bit bit of a "boy who cried wolf" thing going on here. I do complain about him a lot, she probably thinks I'm not serious. A simple "hope you're OK" would be nice, but she's probably just too busy to respond, I'm gonna let it slide.

Still hadn't heard a peep from her til yesterday afternoon when she asked me if I was going to some going away party thing for another friend. Didn't really want to put I thought fuck it, I'm single now I have to try and get off my butt and mingle.

When I saw her, she didn't say ANYTHING about it. She said coldly, "so, have you stopped eating then?" like an accusation. People always say it like an accusation. With a forked tongue and spiteful up down glare. YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND. How about: "Have you been coping, you look thin, I hope you're eating something, I'm here for you"???

But no, if I'm losing weight, she's just pissed off because she looks fatter in comparison. So the whole night she didn't ask me ANYTHING about myself or my breakup or how I was doing. She just talked on and on about herself, and how all these boys wanted her last night, and how her mum is such a bitch, and how she doesn't know what to do next year, and how she wishes she had a boyfriend, and blah blah blah me me me me me me ME!

She couldn't even look at me.

The clincher came when a another girl there who I'd only met twice (and who couldn't even remember my name) asked how things were going with my boyfriend, and upon hearing about the breakup promptly embraced me and openly wished me all the best and told me she'd be thinking of me and she knew how hard it was.

Right in front of my best friend who looked away and still said NOTHING.

The thing that drives me nuts is that all she does is talk about herself and complain about her life and I ALWAYS support her through it. No matter how mundane or repetitive it is. She's my best fucking friend. I'm there for her.

Well FUCK HER

If she can't stand how much better I look than her now she going to hate it when I'm another 10 pounds down.

It's hardened my resolve.

Pity I b/pd the weekend away.
Shit, fuck, I feel really messy.
Last night I bawled for the first time in weeks.

Sorry about the language.

No Sweeter Sound...

"... Oh, you're tinier than I realised, let me grab that for you in a an 8"

So I spent $230 I didn't have on a dress. Because it was beautiful and a perfectly fitting size 8 (US 4) which is also an xs here in Australia.

And today this girl at uni who STARES AT ME CONSTANTLY, who I assumed just hated me, looked up from her staring and asked sweetly "what exercise do you do?" So turns out she's just envious of my body and wants to know how she can get one. Ha!

And down some more to 55.9 this am. The 55s, wonderful. Just gotta get under it... I could get there in a week if I put my mind to it.

And today was just 400cal.

What a lot of little bits of loveliness in one day.

56.3kg (123.9lbs)

So that's good!
Down 1.9kg (4.2lbs) from the same time last week which is better than I even hoped.

When I looked in the mirror this morning for a fleeting moment I got a glimpse of how much weight I've lost, and for a second saw what other people have been seeing. I actually looked thin, my legs looked a lot smaller, I thought I saw a hint of an abdominal muscle, ribs, spindly arms. Like the super-critical eye was softened by the shock of my loss on the scales.

But it came back pretty fast.

If you stand naked in front of the mirror and grab your bum and thighs from the back, then pull them back, it's like looking at yourself after losing a few more kgs. And it looks better.

Last night I took a cupcake and a cup of green tea into the shower with me. I sat under the water. chewing and spitting my semi-soggy cupcake down the drain, intermittently cleaning out my mouth with the water from the shower and drinking my tea. The tea made me feel full, as though i was actually eating the cupcake. The whole time I was doing it I thought, jesus, Pasco you really are a fucking crazy person.

What an odd post.

I'm so fucking late for uni.

Love you kids all to bits xxx

350cal in today
Tomorrow I weigh

Luckily hunger doesn't impair my sleep
If I can make it til bed time I can make it til morning
Please please please let me be less than 57kg (125.4lbs)

Weigh Better

Pretty good today:

Breakfast: Grapes 100

Lunch: Raw veg 0, Teensy bit of salmon 50, Small apple 50

Dinner: Fruit salad with walnuts 300

A minor aberration came along in the afternoon. Went to hang out with the ex-ex-boyfriend (the ex before the recent ex). He told me how I looked thinner and thinner every time he saw me. Naturally I denied any substantial weight loss and ate the icecream he bought me to prove it. Had a quick purge of maybe half of it. So I'm banking an upper limit of 300 ingested.



Total: 800

But I made it to the gym and put in a fairly intense 1hr, approx 500

So overall about 800 - 500 = 300
I can dig that!
Plus I've finally started getting my hungry back which feels nice.

Not weighing til Wednesday morning
Sssssssscary!
Can't weight!




PS: If only the ex-boyfriend was as attentive as the ex-ex-boyfriend, maybe I wouldn't be in this mess!!!

PPS: I have the HUGEST new crush... WANT... BAD