It has barely been mentioned

I can't remember the details of Friday night because I was so full of booze and benzodiazepines, just sobbing into the phone to her for a long time. I'm not sure how much I told her, suffice to say I think it was a lot and I think it was fairly honest.

I still wish I hadn't

I think I'm surprised there isn't more judgement. My vague recollection of her reaction is that it didn't feel like a big deal. I still feel watched. I still feel it hanging between us. I made her swear not to tell anyone and not to tell dad, but I suspect she will.

This is the woman who read my diary after all
A mother who doesn't always respect secrets

I sense she wants to talk about it,
but I really don't
And yet
I sense she doesn't quite understand it,
but I want her to

She has been quietly kind and supportive, her occasional probing questions gentle, I know she is doing her best.

the B bomb

more alcohol and more tears
and more phone calls to my mum
and more skirting around the real reason for so much misery

then, finally, for some reason it came out

mum I have bulimia

uttered out loud

she's on her way over now to get me. lives about 20 minutes away. won't take her long. i feel wretched and putrid and embarrassed and i hate myself. but this is a change. i don't want her to see me but soon she will. everything has changed now.

Good Morning Day 2!

Day 1 went off without a hitch. I'm looking forward to getting out of bed and having my breakfast shake. I'm not sure how long "looking forward to it" will last, but for the moment I'm appreciating the feeling.

I think the concept I like most about this plan is that while the shakes are incredibly unsatisfying to your tastebuds and your tummy, they are perfectly nutritionally balanced. Low calories and low carbs, yes, but packed with supplemental nutrients and enough energy that my brain should not be hungry. Which means that if I can stick to it, I should eventually learn to respond to my brain's need for fuel, rather than my stomach which is now insatiable or my jaw that demands to be chewing constantly. Dare I say, it might one day be possible to learn to understand hunger again?

The other thing I'm loving is the possibility that my mostly-liquid diet will flatten out my horribly bloated belly... mmmmaybe... Sounds too good to be true? As I said, we'll see how long "looking forward to it" lasts!


Nuff chat, time to milk it!
x

in the details

Righty, so the plan we on is "celebrity slim" (lame-o I know) and the idea is to have two meal replacement shakes per day, one sensible meal, usually dinner, and up to 3 "allowable snacks". My housemate and I have concluded that dinner is our trouble area though, so we are going to make it sensible lunch and milkshake dinner. For lunch I'm going to stick to mainly salads with a bit of lean protein. And I intend to avoid the "allowable snacks" except for a small piece of fruit where desperate.


Just had my first shake of the program and it was... tolerable. I think I can do this. I know I can do this!

Got Milk

re
start

And this time with a buddy! My housemate and I have decided to embark on a meal replacement milkshake diet starting tomorrow. We have shaken on it and will spot each other through it and I'm quite excited.

A month. We are endeavoring to make it a month. For me, it would not just mean the promise of real weight loss but also the possibility of a month free of purging. Could this really work? I think being able to be diet openly with someone I'm living with will certainly help. She doesn't know about the bulimia, but I have whinged at her about my unstoppable weight gain and she has reciprocated with similar angst. It's time to shake things up!



My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard

re

lapse


too much stress, too much fat, not enough resolve
you all believed in me and I blew it

but I'm starting again tomorrow

my weight is up

UP
i knew it would be
I JUST KNEW IT i've been feeling so huge
but i did everything right
EVERYTHING EVERYTHING EVERYTHING
it doesn't make sense and I feel so utterly helpless

i wish i wish i hadn't weighed myself. now i don't know what to think or what to do. like it is completely out of my hands and it doesn't matter what i do my body will continue to just get infinitely bigger

maybe it's muscle mass, rehydration, constipation, some other physiological shift...
but it just FEELS LIKE FAT

FUCK

Lulu the wise

She told me it was a stupid idea and she was right.

So I did better than that. Much Better. I ate about 800 calories and I went to the gym and knocked off about 400. An impressive and moderate effort I think. It stills feels terrible. I still feel the weightiness of food inside me and I'm horrible and blubbery and revolting and all I want to do is NEVER EAT AGAIN...

...but it would be stupid, fucking stupid, to try. Because I would fail and I would stay bulimic the rest of my life. Instead, here I am, a whole solid 7 days BULIMIA FREE!

I struggle endlessly with incredibly disordered bulimialike eating though. I pretty much didn't eat all day, then decided to have a light dinner. Which led to more light dinner, to more and more and more light dinner. Thank goodness I had previously abolished all the junk food from my house or I'd likely have demolished it too. The only way I could stop myself eating was to race as fast as I could to my car and drive to the gym. It was more about distraction from food that it was about burning calories.


At the moment this is helping, but to be honest it is really just another form of purging. Granted, I'm not allowing myself to binge first to the same extend as if I were throwing up. But still, it won't always be an option for me. I won't always be in a situation where I can dart off and burn off everything I've eaten. And the more important thing is to learn how to stop eating. To just STOP without needing some urgent other task or distraction.

I'll get there eventually.
Baby steps.

In the mean time, Lulu, I love you xx
And the rest of you too

ONE WEEK
WOOOO
!!!!!!

I wonder...

Could I liquid fast through the week?
Sometimes I propose this and only last a few hours, other times it just seems to work.


I'll see how I go,
But anything I accidentally eat stays down NO MATTER WHAT

I'm meant to weigh in tomorrow, after a full week, 168 hours, purge free. But I'm not sure I can stomach it...

pizza

My mum can't understand why I never want to come home to see her. It's hard to explain that I associate her house with eating and I can't be there without binging. So having been coerced over for dinner tonight, I was at panic stations. At pre-dinner grocery shopping I was so crippled by anxiety I had to huddle myself down on a pile of toilet paper in a promo display. The anticipation and the calorie counting and the bargaining, remembering my pledge that vomiting was not an option, a way out of it. Strategising. Knowing it was hopeless.

We made pizza for dinner and for a few brief moments during the preparation and the nibbling and the playing with ingredients it was almost fun. But then it came to the eating, with trembling hands and lurching stomach. Afterwards I sat on the kitchen floor with awkward tears and no explanations for them. If I sat there, if I just sat there long enough, I would digest enough of that pizza that I couldn't throw it up. I needed to pee, but if I went near the toilet I knew there would be no way to stop myself. So I sat and sat and sat, and when finally it became time to settle beside my mother on the couch I accepted her hot chocolate and her cuddles and everything slowly became OK.