Epilogue (maybe)

Is that what this is?

Was rambling round the internet and stumbled right back here. I thought I ought to write something. So I guess an update on my life in general.

*ahem*

The date turned into a boyfriend, a serious one, he lives with me now.
Somehow despite spending almost all our time together I managed to surreptitiously throw up every day for the last week. But I didn't throw up at all in the preceding week. I have high hopes for the week to come.

So things still wax and wane. I am happier, I must be, because I'm happy with him. And I love him, and he's better than I deserve. I don't feel entirely involved in our relationship a lot of the time, as though I'm just floating along in it and going with the flow. If he conducts my life for me it doesn't matter so much that I can't control it.

I am not thin. And I feel incredibly far from it, separated more by time than weight gain. I'm still "too fat" but haven't gained weight in a while. It is just such a long long while since I lost any. I look back on pictures of myself at the pinnacle of my blog and my lowest weight. It was so long ago, and I wish I didn't like the way I looked back then quite as much as I do. I really do. I wish it wasn't so painful getting there, and I don't think I could do it now if I tried. Sometimes I do try. It never works.

So I guess I just keep floating on. Sometimes I think I want to get help again, then I realise it would be impossible to do it without the boy finding out. Sometimes I think I should tell him, sometimes I nearly do. We tell each other everything, we have no secrets. This doesn't feel like a secret though, because I feel like it is not true, it is not who I am, it is temporary. It has been temporary for years now...


But if I play the game forever, eventually I will win.

Love,
Pasco

and a month on

the sun is shining


I have stopped drinking
(let's call it a hiatus)
lost 2 kilos
am feeling more positive
and tomorrow night I have a date with a very handsome boy
who, quite possibly, might not be a horrible arsehole


I will post again when I have more good news

x

i have realised...

...that now-a-days the only times I ever blog are when I'm drunk.

so

this weekend I am fixing it
this weekend I am doing it
my life is an awful pile of shit
it is a tragic and pitiful waste
I've had enough

I see the life I want
clear as crystal


I'll never get there
but I can at least get as far as I can from here

hate this

why can't I just fix my life?
why am I just so shit?

i want

i want so badly to give you something



today i had some green vegetables steamed with a little soy sauce for lunch
and some carrot and celery sticks and a mango for dinner

and now im soooooo drunk



but believe you me, girls,
it's worth it.

By golly
Stay drunk and startlingly emptytis all

tis all I gor

I think I'm a bit over this.

Anyone still read?
Anyone give a shit if I sod off?

mastercleanse

Tonight I drank bleach
because I was too drunk to throw up

I threw up

And now I am so clean
Horrifically lemony fresh

I AM KILLING MYSELF

This is absurd
Awful

To think I was so proud when I woke up this morning.

This is not just an all new low
It is so much more
It is the embodiment of my imminent demise
The intensity of me desperation

I am so fucked
So fucked

I know now I am probably going to die from this

Breakthrough

Yesterday I didn't binge or purge.

I wasn't really trying, I was just busy all day.
I hung out with a friend, went out for lunch, did some shopping, got a hair cut, came home and went to bed around 11pm.

It was the sort of day I imagine perfect people have. Not really caring or thinking about food. Eating out and able to enjoy it, but then too busy and carefree and not-eating-disordered to even think to eat for the rest of the day.

This morning I feel good.

...or maybe I'm just not ready

will I ever be?

...starting today

Time to breathe some life

7 days left of September
and I weigh about 59kg

So with my gastro head start I need to lose 1kg in 1 week to be 58 by October. On target. Numbers are so boring and shit. Right now I need them because I'm vomiting every day. EVERY day, no exceptions, it is what I do when I come home from work. I'm not even trying to stop now. It is routine. I don't know what the hell else I would do instead, I hate to try and think about it, it fogs my head with stress. So I don't fight it. I just puke on schedule.

This is why I need to talk stupid shitty numbers.
So for 7 days I am going to not throw up. I am going to record everything I eat, good or bad. At the end of each day I will let you guys know.

And at the end of the week I hope to be 58kg.

"Yeah right" I hear you say?... Well you gotta keep trying.
I can't keep my head in this paper bag for the rest of my life.
It's OK, but I'm becoming nothing, and I want to be alive.

today I had a small moment

Was walking through my neighbourhood and the air was warm. Perfect skin temperature air you pretty much can't even feel as you move through it. And fresias and other weedy spring time flowers you forget exist making those quirky "summer's-coming" scents that catch you off guard. And I thought shiiiiit I haven't actually walked around these streets in... what? 8 monthsish? This is the best time of year and it was nostalgically depression-wrenchingly lovely. How easy is all this? How can life be hard and sad? When I hate myself and all I want to do is eat or puke or hide, can't I just step out and be in this and have everything be great?


The reality is a rare day off buffered all sides by a zillion crippling days on. And I still did puke twice. Still, warmth is an amazing distiller of optimism. Now I've had a few late night lonesome g&t's but not in the sad way. Solidarity with the changing seasons. I feel relaxed and OK. My cat is here and anyone who says cats aren't loyal has never had one. He looks at me, lowers his eyes and slowly pushes his nose into my mouth for the briefest of kisses. It's not gross. Maybe you have to be there.

It's warm. Give me my moment.

58.5, thank you gastro

Now my mission is to make the most of this head start.

Lulu, I'm glad you're back, I've missed you!
It's time the old crew returned to challenge these anonymous upstarts ;)

i am fat and disgusting and i hate myself. i dont know where the last 5 kilos came from. it was so quick and seemingly painless and so strangely imperceptible and yet here i am... fat

actually fat

not just not as thin as i want to be

i went from finally getting thin... to ok... to fat

fat fat fat actually fat

62 kilos of fat

im back at my starting weight

and im so ashamed

JUST TAKE IT OFF ME
HELP ME
HOW DO I FIX THIS??
FIX THIS

i am very drunk right now
and very lonely
and very ugly
and angry
and very desperate

I LET THIS HAPPEN

because i knew i could regroup and change

and here i am and i cant change

HELP

JUST MAKE IT RIGHT

PLEASE!!!

"thinspo"

it isn't found in images

it is words and memories

a boy I slept with a month ago

"I love this bone on women"

knowing he was thinking back to his former, beautiful girlfriend and caressing the sharpness of her hip in his imagination, disappointed by mine. disgusted, even.

"oh god I must look like shit this morning"

awaiting the affirmation

"you look... ok"

what was he thinking, he was thinking




I remember when I had hip bones like that

oh

small apple... 100
salad... 0
quinoa... 150
salad... 0
egg whites... 150
small apple... 100

500ish

yoga

out of the sand

61.7kg

I have been head down in the sand, forging recklessly through my ugly life and ignoring the knowing fat. Today means numbers and accountability. Raising myself out of the dust and letting Spring envelop me. I think I'm out of second chances. I think this is it.


12 weeks until Summer
12 kilos to lose

Spring

As I type this the clock will tick over midnight and Winter will become Spring. Like magic something in my brain will tick over and the Winter in my head will clear and Spring will bloom. My problems will evaporate, my will resume. I will find the love I need for myself, the desire to nurture my body with freshness and life, exercise and water, salad that stays down instead of sludge which comes up. Everything will reawaken bright and beautiful.


I have seen it coming, felt it coming for weeks. Waiting for this moment, telling myself this will be the time. Telling myself this is my last chance to turn something horrible into something wonderful. My life.

I know it sounds like delusion.
I know it does.

a week, maybe?

Perhaps one week of kindness is more achievable. Less daunting. Just a week.

And only one rule: Do not throw up.

Simple enough, except that of course that one simple rule is dependent on the fulfillment of 10 million other rules, such as:

Do not eat muffins
Do not eat toast
Do not eat lollies
Do not eat unplanned foods
Do not overeat at meal times
Do not have dessert
Do not eat at somebody else's house
Do not eat at your own house
Do not reach a feeling of fullness
Do not allow yourself to get bored

...all of which lead to an inevitable downward spiral into purging.


But I have to have to HAVE to do this

The cracks in the corners of my mouth never heal
My skin is horrible
My teeth hurt
And I'm FAT

I lose so much time to this beast. Between long shifts at work, all I do is binge and purge and not get enough sleep. It is easier than facing the prospect of finding and building my own life. It is a safe and secretive.

I hate it so much, but I'm increasingly realising how much I love it.
How much I need it