Thursday, April 7, 2011
Epilogue (maybe)
Is that what this is?
Was rambling round the internet and stumbled right back here. I thought I ought to write something. So I guess an update on my life in general.
*ahem*
The date turned into a boyfriend, a serious one, he lives with me now.
Somehow despite spending almost all our time together I managed to surreptitiously throw up every day for the last week. But I didn't throw up at all in the preceding week. I have high hopes for the week to come.
So things still wax and wane. I am happier, I must be, because I'm happy with him. And I love him, and he's better than I deserve. I don't feel entirely involved in our relationship a lot of the time, as though I'm just floating along in it and going with the flow. If he conducts my life for me it doesn't matter so much that I can't control it.
I am not thin. And I feel incredibly far from it, separated more by time than weight gain. I'm still "too fat" but haven't gained weight in a while. It is just such a long long while since I lost any. I look back on pictures of myself at the pinnacle of my blog and my lowest weight. It was so long ago, and I wish I didn't like the way I looked back then quite as much as I do. I really do. I wish it wasn't so painful getting there, and I don't think I could do it now if I tried. Sometimes I do try. It never works.
So I guess I just keep floating on. Sometimes I think I want to get help again, then I realise it would be impossible to do it without the boy finding out. Sometimes I think I should tell him, sometimes I nearly do. We tell each other everything, we have no secrets. This doesn't feel like a secret though, because I feel like it is not true, it is not who I am, it is temporary. It has been temporary for years now...
But if I play the game forever, eventually I will win.
Love,
Pasco
Saturday, December 4, 2010
and a month on
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Thursday, October 28, 2010
so
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Sunday, October 24, 2010
i want
i want so badly to give you something
today i had some green vegetables steamed with a little soy sauce for lunch
and some carrot and celery sticks and a mango for dinner
and now im soooooo drunk
but believe you me, girls,
it's worth it.
By golly
Stay drunk and startlingly emptytis all
tis all I gor
today i had some green vegetables steamed with a little soy sauce for lunch
and some carrot and celery sticks and a mango for dinner
and now im soooooo drunk
but believe you me, girls,
it's worth it.
By golly
Stay drunk and startlingly emptytis all
tis all I gor
Monday, October 11, 2010
Sunday, October 3, 2010
mastercleanse
Tonight I drank bleach
because I was too drunk to throw up
I threw up
And now I am so clean
Horrifically lemony fresh
I AM KILLING MYSELF
This is absurd
Awful
To think I was so proud when I woke up this morning.
This is not just an all new low
It is so much more
It is the embodiment of my imminent demise
The intensity of me desperation
I am so fucked
So fucked
I know now I am probably going to die from this
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Breakthrough
Yesterday I didn't binge or purge.
I wasn't really trying, I was just busy all day.
I hung out with a friend, went out for lunch, did some shopping, got a hair cut, came home and went to bed around 11pm.
It was the sort of day I imagine perfect people have. Not really caring or thinking about food. Eating out and able to enjoy it, but then too busy and carefree and not-eating-disordered to even think to eat for the rest of the day.
This morning I feel good.
Saturday, September 25, 2010
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